Unwanted
by AlexisRose84
Summary: Summary: Post Episode S4E3- There were a lot of things Anna hadn't wanted: Mr. Green's attack, her husband to be hanged, or the new life that possibly grew in her. An alternate look at the Anna/attack storyline. COMPLETE (Anna/Bates, Mary, Mrs. Hughes)
1. Chapter 1

**Unwanted**

_Summary: Post Episode S4E3- There were a lot of things Anna hadn't wanted: Mr. Green's attack, her husband to be hanged, or the new life that possibly grew in her. An alternate look at the Anna/attack storyline. _

**_Chapter 1_**

There was a tightness in the air as Anna climbed her way up the staircase. Slowly, but steadily she stepped up each stair. It felt as though she was on a mountain climbing through the thick air at the top. Everything in her ached; her head pounded fiercely, while her bones felt so fragile that they would fall away to dust if touched. She was unconvinced she would make it to the top. Heaviness fell over her the higher and higher she climbed. Her breaths were becoming more jagged and raw with every few steps. From the corner of her eye, she saw John walk by. There was an immediate stiffness of her small, delicate frame. He glanced at her with deep concern. His lips parted, as if to say something, but they immediately closed knowing it would do no good. Grateful for no pleasantries needing to be said, Anna kept her mind to the task ahead of her. She didn't have the time nor strength to worry about anything else.

It had been close to two months since the horrible incident that had turned her world on its head. Every waking and sleeping moment was shadowed by that night. She could still hear his harsh voice, feel his rough hands on her skin, and smell the blood that had felt like days to wash off her body. A lump formed in her throat as she tried to just shift her focus back to the stairs. She was almost to the top, she could make it. Keeping her mind and body on the tasks she was given, were the only thing that kept her alive. The simple routine was something else she could focus on in the waking moments of her life.

Another sigh passed her lips, she felt so weak. It felt as though her life would always be like this. While she had thought time would heal some wounds, she was no longer convinced. Her nights were sleepless. Any sleep her body allowed was always disturbed by the nightmares of that night, by the nightmares of him returning, and by the nightmares of her husband dangling on a string. Her entire soul missed her husband. She hadn't known she could be so close to him and yet so far away. She knew she was breaking his heart, but what else could she do? She had to keep her distance to protect his life. If he knew what had happened, he would kill Green. There was no doubt in her mind. Killing Green would get him hung, and then she would have lost the last thing in this world that kept her very being alive.

A cloud of despair engulfed her. It was a deep fog that she couldn't figure out how to escape. She had thought if she just kept going on, that everything would get easier. It didn't. In fact, it got darker and darker each day. Everyone around her could see it, she wasn't fooling a soul in the house. They all noticed the way her cheeks sunk into her pale cheeks, how when she smiled it was a fake one which wouldn't reach her eyes, and especially how she kept her distance from her beloved husband. Lady Mary had questioned her, of course. However, she never prodded when Anna said it was nothing. John still watched her with those heartbroken, questioning eyes. And poor Mrs. Hughes begged her daily to tell them both. Anna knew that she couldn't. Her shame was hers to bare; her husband's life was hers to keep safe.

Her entire frame lightly shook when she finally entered Lady Mary's empty bedroom. As she walked into the room, her mind clouded and she couldn't remember why she had come. She began to try to recall what she had been asked to do. Had she needed to grab something for Lady Mary or had she forgotten to bring something up? She took a few more steps into the room glancing around to see if she could remember. Her head was pounding so hard that she could hear it in her ears. Breathing deeply, she took a few more steps forward and leaned her hand against the rail of Lady Mary's bed. She needed a moment. Just a moment.

Anna had thought that taking a moment to breathe would make her feel better, but instead her body began to uncontrollably shake from weakness. Attempting to swallow the lump in her throat down, her eyes began to lose focus. A small short gasp left her lips, before she lost complete consciousness.

Mary let out a frustrated sigh.

"Where is Anna?" She questioned aloud to her parents and sister rhetorically.

"Seriously, Mary, perhaps you should find someone new," Edith expressed for the third or fourth time. Mary's rolled her eyes and ignored her sister. Last thing she wanted was her advice.

"Is everything okay with Anna?"

Mary looked up at her Mama and sighed again, "I don't know." She answered honestly and stood up. Not saying another word, she headed toward her bedroom. Surely, Anna was just having trouble finding the broach she had wanted. While she was annoyed with her Lady Maid's disappearance, she was more worried. It was no secret that there was something wrong with Anna. She had not been herself in months. It was quite concerning and not like Anna at all. Whenever Mary questioned her, Anna just insisted she was fine. But she was not fine. Her frame has shrunk into a shell of the woman she had been; her manner was unlike she had ever been before. She was…well, she was skittish. That was the best word she could think of to call her. She was still kind, hard worker, but not the same. It was heartbreaking really. Her main confidant was no longer.

Entering her bedroom, her thoughts paused and heart began to race.

"Anna!" She nearly screamed, rushing down to her Lady's Maid that was passed out on the floor. "Anna!" She stayed still, but she was breathing. That gave Mary some relief. Pulling herself back up, she walked back to the door. She scanned the hallway, trying to find someone who could help. Immediately, she saw Thomas walking by.

"Call the doctor and get Mrs. Hughes up here," She demanded. Without question, Thomas did as he was told. Right before she turned back to Anna, she noticed her mama's new Lady's Maid down the hall.

"Um…um.." She struggled remembering her name. "Baxter!" She chipped, as it hit her, "Please come here right away." Baxter walked into Mary's room and gasped when she saw Anna on the floor.

"Oh…"

"Help me pick her up and put her in the bed," Mary directed. Baxter acquiesced. The two of them struggled, but were able to move her into the mattress.

"Oh my, Anna…" Mrs. Hughes voice pierced, as she set eyes on the scene in front of her. Mary's eyes darted over to her with a questioning glance. "He's on the phone with him now," she answered.

"Thank god."

She was drowning. The water was weighing down on her frame and she was sure she was going to die. "Mrs. Bates," his voice rang in her ear. Her body flung trying to get away from him, but she didn't know where he was. The water engulfed her and it felt as though a million of his hands were pulling at her skin, trying to take it as his again. "You are mine," he promised. "I will always own you." He was right in front of her. She couldn't breathe. "I will always _own_ you," he repeated.

Anna's eyes darted open.

"What..where," she questioned, attempting to sit up. A hand landed on her shoulder and she nearly leapt out of her skin.

"You need to lay down," Lady Mary's voice rang in the air. It was then that Anna realized she was laying in Lady Mary's bed. Her face turned to panic and she shook her head.

"No, no…this isn't right. I shouldn't…"

"Anna, I will have none of that," Lady Mary's stubborn voice stated, "Lay down."

Anna did as she was told, but felt like a fool. How could she have allowed this to happen and now she was in Lady Mary's bed. Her aching, tired body made her forget all of those thoughts quickly, however. She felt so incredibly weak.

"The doctor is almost here," Mrs. Hughes mentioned, entering the room with some fresh towels on her arms.

Terror filled Anna's eyes. "No, no doctor," she begged. "I can't…I won't." Anna started to attempt to climb out of the bed, her eyes wild. All of the restraint she had kept for the past two months completely escaped from her body. She was too fragile, too weak to keep that facade up anymore. "He can't…he'll know. I can't do this," she cried. "I _can't_."

Lady Mary's eyes locked with Anna. It was as if something clicked right there and then. Everything finally made sense and she wanted to kick herself for not figuring it out before.

"Anna?" She questioned carefully, "Did someone…hurt you?" Shame and self-loathing covered Anna as she wrapped her arms tightly around her frame to protect herself from the truth. A small nod was given and then she sunk deeper into the bed. Before anymore could be said, Dr. Clarkson entered the room.

"Will you give us a moment, please Dr. Clarkson?" Mrs. Hughes asked. He did a quick nod and stepped into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

"Anna," Mrs. Hughes' motherly voice said, as she sat down next to her. "It's okay, love. He doesn't have to know everything."

"No," Lady Mary agreed. "Not a thing, but he does have to look at you. A perfectly healthy person doesn't just pass out like that."

"But…"

"No buts. You will do as I say," Lady Mary stated inflexibly.

With a half frown, Anna murmured a yes m'lady. Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes walked out to let Dr. Clarkson in. At that moment, she regretted not asking one of them to stay with her. She felt so insecure and doubtful about herself. And the last thing she wanted to do was give anything that had happened to her away. It felt like her dirty little secret and she intended on keeping it that way, as much as she possibly could.

The appointment went by like a blur. Dr. Clarkson asked Anna several questions, to which she answered without any real thought. It didn't even seem to cross his mind that something bad had happened to her, which was a relief. Once she realized that, she drifted off into her mind allowing him to perform some basic routine checks and ask some basic questions. Her exhaustion kept her from caring too much about what was going on. She hoped he would soon finish and allow her to go back downstairs to her room. She did not feel right being in her Lady's room. It seemed wrong. It...

"Well," Dr. Clarkson's voice interrupted her thoughts, "You are definitely over exhausted, a bit dehydrated, and under nourished. You haven't been taking the best care of yourself."

Anna nodded to his admonishment. It was true. She hadn't. Or rather, couldn't. The dark cloud that engulfed her kept her from being able to do anything more than just barely survive.

A small smile crossed Dr. Clarkson's lips and he then added, "But I think a congratulations may be in order, Mrs. Bates."

"What?" She asked, biting her lip nervously. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I can't know for sure yet. But based on the dates you gave me and some symptoms you have been having – like not being able to hold down your food- I would say you are expecting."

Anna's face dropped. The cloud tightened its hold over her and her breath tightened in her lungs. "Expecting?" She croaked.

"Yes," He smiled. "But you need a lot of rest. Time to get better. If you had gone on much longer, this could have been much worse. I will let Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary know…"

"Don't tell them that I'm…"

"Of course, that is not mine to tell."

"And you can't know for sure?"

"Not yet. There are some new ways they have begun trying for now, but I tend to like to go the old fashioned route. Odds are that you are. However, stress and other factors can also interfere with your schedule. You should know in a month or so for sure."

Anna didn't know what to say or do. She was frozen in that moment again. His hands were on her. She couldn't breathe.

"All will be well," Dr. Clarkson promised with a quick nod. With that, he was gone.

Anna had little time to think about what the doctor had said, because Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes were back.

"You are to stay put for at least two days, per Dr. Clarkson," Mary informed her. "Then you can go back into your room and rest as long as needed."

Anna opened her mouth to protest on both accounts, but Lady Mary dismissed it before she could speak.

"No arguments."

"Lady Mary is right, Anna. You need your rest. Dr. Clarkson will be back to check in on you in two days to make sure you are okay to be moved."

"This is too much," Anna cried. She didn't know if she was referencing the time she needed to rest or, well, everything. Lady Mary looked at her sympathetically.

"I think you should tell Mr. Bates."

"I…I…no," she stated firmly. Lady Mary sighed quickly, but just patted Anna's hand.

"Well, we'll discuss this later. Get some rest."

"I'll go fetch you some food," Mrs. Hughes stated. "The doctor said you are to eat and sleep only."

"That seems a bit much," Anna protested.

"No arguments," Lady Mary repeated. Anna nodded her head in agreement and closed her eyes.

"We'll be back," they promised, before leaving Anna alone.

Slowly reopening her eyes, Anna turned on her side. The term _expecting_ floated in her head, causing her uneasiness, as she fell into an unrestful sleep.

"Here you are, Anna," Mrs. Hughes said softly, placing a tray of food over Anna's frame. She had just awoken from her fitful nap and was upset when she remembered she was in Lady Mary's bedroom.

"I shouldn't be in here," Anna lamented. "I can make it down to my room."

Mrs. Hughes took a seat next to Anna and gently took her hand. "Anna, my dear. You are unwell. Dr. Clarkson is concerned about your physical health as well as your mental health."

"My mental…." Anna trailed off. Her eyes searched Mrs. Hughes for what he had been implying. "He didn't seem concerned to me."

"I don't think he knows," Mrs. Hughes comforted. "But you are not taking care of yourself, that much is as clear as crystal."

Anna's eyes adverted her glaze. She didn't know what she could say at the moment. Part of her wanted to tell Mrs. Hughes what else the doctor had said. However she didn't want Mrs. Hughes' thoughts and opinions on the whole thing. For now, it was her secret. And maybe, just maybe, the doctor was wrong. He _had_ to be wrong.

Oh how long she and John had wished for a child of their own. A little one to care for, to love. But now. Her breath hitched into her throat. What would she do? That morning of the big party, she and John had been intimate in the most wonderful and loving way. It had been a special, sprung out of nowhere moment. It felt like a lifetime ago. That happiness torn away from her hours later by another man. There was no way to know who the child belonged to. If it were her husband's, this would be the worst time to be in the family way. And if it were Green's…her body began to shake and Anna began to dry heave.

"There, there," Mrs. Hughes consoled, removing the tray and pulling out a basin for Anna.

"I can't do this," Anna whispered to herself, her mind away from everything that surrounded her. What if the baby was born and it wore his face? How could she? Her stomach turned and bile rose in her throat before it released into the basin. Mrs. Hughes wiped her face and then helped her to lay back down.

"I want to die," Anna confessed, more to herself, but she said it out loud. Mrs. Hughes took in a sharp breath and opened her mouth to admonish the girl. But before she could, Anna grabbed her hands and begged, "Please, Mrs. Hughes. Please. Let me die. I want to die." Crumbling into tears, Anna let go of Mrs. Hughes and turned away. She left poor Mrs. Hughes completely lost and afraid for her sweet Anna.

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

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**Chapter 2**

Since Anna was staying in Mary's room, Mrs. Hughes was setting up another room down the hall for Mary to stay in for a few nights. While she was finishing the linens on the bed, she looked over to Mary. Mrs. Hughes kept looking over at Mary trying to figure out something to say that could help her. Nothing came.

"She said _that_?" Mary repeated. Mrs. Hughes had relayed what had happened with Anna when she entered the room earlier. Mary had been in shock. _I want to die_. Those words of Anna's bounced around in Mary's head over and over again. Since hearing those words, Mary had stayed silent in her seat trying to process the words Anna had said. The truth of the matter was that Mary had lost too much lately. First she lost her sister and then her husband suddenly. Between Sybil and Matthew, her heart was torn into shreds. Losing Anna might just do her in. She was not sure she could handle it. She determined she would stay up all night doing whatever she could to help her Lady's Maid.

"We must have someone watching her every moment," Mary insisted. Mrs. Hughes nodded her head in agreement.

"I have Mrs. Baxter sitting with her now," Mrs. Hughes stated. "She and I will look after Anna tonight."

"No," Mary said in a simply stubborn way. "Mrs. Baxter doesn't know Anna. You and I will do it."

"But m'lady, you mustn't…"

"Yes, it should be us, and maybe Mr. Bates. He should really know how badly she is doing."

"Mr. Bates doesn't know what has happened to Anna. I don't think she would want us to break that trust."

Before Mary could protest, a knock came at the door. Peeking his head in, Mr. Bates gave a solemn nod.

"M'lady, Mrs. Hughes. I am sorry to bother you. I was wondering if I could stay outside of Lady Mary's room tonight to stay near Anna." Mary noticed then just how ragged Mr. Bates looked. His concern for his wife was noticeable beyond measure and you could tell it had been weighing on him for months. Mary wanted to tell him right there and then, but held her tongue. Right now, they all just needed to do what was best for Anna and she wasn't sure telling him at this moment was the best thing for her.

"I'll have Mrs. Hughes make up a room for you, as well," Mary stated. Both Mr. Bates and Mrs. Hughes shook their heads in disagreement.

"I'm not sure that would be right, m'lady," Mr. Bates stated.

"He's quite right. What would Mr. Carson say or, better yet, Lord Grantham?" Mary shook her head at their protests.

"I think they would both understand that we need to do what is best for Anna," Mary stated allowing no room for arguing.

"Yes, m'lady. I'll go and get the room ready."

Mrs. Hughes left leaving Mr. Bates and Mary alone. The two of them stood in awkward silence for a few moments. Neither knowing exactly what to say to one another. Finally, Mr. Bates cleared his throat and spoke up.

"Thank you for letting me stay near my wife. I know the two of us haven't been at our best, but I still love her very much."

"I know you do," Mary replied. So many words were floating in the air and yet she couldn't find the right ones at the moment. There were secrets and feelings and hearts hurting. Nothing could easily fix that. She settled on, "I know that she loves you very much as well."

Mr. Bates swallowed hard. He didn't appear to believe her, but gave her a small smile just the same. He looked to have a million things to say to her as well, but kept silent. Again, silence surrounded them.

"How bad is she?" Mr. Bates finally asked after several minutes had passed. There was fear in his eyes and Mary knew at that moment, he had been wanting to ask all along, but was too afraid of the answer.

All Mary could respond with was the truth.

"Very."

XXXXX

John Bates' leg hurt more now than it ever had before this moment. Moving even the slightest inch made a pain shoot up the side of his leg and caused a gasp to escape his lips. He was unsure if it was actually a new pain or if he was trying to place more of his attention of his leg to take his thoughts away from his wife. His heart ached so deeply in his chest. He just knew that he was going to lose his Anna. Before now, he had thought he could maybe get her back. He still had waited for her at the bottom of the stairs every day. He thought one day she would tell him what had changed between the two of them. One day everything had been perfect and then…..

John had to sit. His world was falling apart at a terrifying rate. What had happened between them and why hadn't he been able to figure it out? Was she angry at him for being jealous of that Green fellow? Had she been sick all this time and didn't want him to find out? None of it made sense. His hand ran over his brow and he took in a deep breath.

"I can't lose you," he whispered to himself. He blamed himself for it all. He should have tried harder to find out. Should have been more patient. More understanding. And now he might lose her. Lady Mary told him that Anna was very unwell. The word she had used was _very_. That gave him so little hope for a positive future. Tears pooled in his eyes and slowly sunk down his pale cheeks.

All he wanted was to be with Anna. He wanted to hold her hand and tell her he was there. He couldn't, though. She had expressed over and over how much she didn't want him near her. Each time had been another strike to his fragile heart. Many times he had thought about leaving Downton Abbey. He wanted her to be happy and having him there definitely seemed to only upset her. However, selfishly, he couldn't leave. He just loved her too much. He loved seeing her every day, even if he was only met with an icy remark. He would torture himself forever if I meant he could see her, but now he would do absolutely anything to make her okay.

XXXXX

The night moved at an unbearably slow place for Anna. She couldn't sleep. All she could do is stare at the corner of the wall while she was being watched by Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary. She wanted her husband. She wanted him badly. There was an achiness in her arms that missed him. Trying to save him was killing her. She no longer knew if she was right or wrong. Dying seemed so easy now. If she died, everything would be better. John could move on; he would never find out about Green. And if she died, all the pain would fall away. There would be no more fear. No more potential baby.

_ Baby._

The word made her body shake. Tears threatened to escape, but she held them in. The last thing she wanted was more attention. She just wanted to go back to her bedroom and be alone. No more eyes that peered worriedly at her. Eyes that made her feel like a ruined woman. Now her life could never be the same. The more people that knew, the less safe she felt.

"I'm going to go and fetch you some breakfast," Mrs. Hughes stated, pulling Anna from her thoughts. It was then Anna noticed the sun's rays shining on the walls. Finally, the night was over.

With Mrs. Hughes out of the room, Mary decided this was the best opportunity to try to speak with Anna. She hadn't spoken with her since she had heard what she said. Maybe if she could find out more from Anna, she could figure out a way to help her.

"Anna," Mary said, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. Still feeling strange about being in her Lady's bed, Anna quickly sat up and ignored the harsh pain banging in her head.

"Yes, M'lady," Anna croaked. Her voice was nearly gone.

"Can you tell me who did this to you?" Mary's head tilted slightly as she peered sympathetically. Anna bit her lip and shook her head.

"I can't." She bit down further. The cloud around her was growing thicker. The need to keep this secret was suffocating her.

"Is it someone who lives here?" Anna shook her head. "Someone who has visited?" Anna's eyes met Mary's and she swallowed hard.

"I can't tell you, m'lady. I mustn't. The more people who know, the more likely it is that John will find out. He would kill him."

"Well, of course he would want to," Mary stated. "But he loves you Anna. He wouldn't lose his life with you."

"Wouldn't he?" Anna said without real question. She knew that he would kill him. There wasn't a doubt in her mind. The pounding in her head was becoming unbearable and the sheets felt as though they were suffocating her. She pushed them off her legs and began to pull herself out of the bed.

"You're supposed to be in bed," Mary argued. Anna ignored her. She couldn't lay there any longer. Nothing was going to fix it. She was going to be in this fog forever. Tears threatened to escape again. She just wanted out. She _needed_ out.

"I'd like to sit and read, if that's alright," Anna snapped. She immediately regretted the way she spoke to her Lady. Her face fell sheepish and she began to apologize, "I'm…"

"No need," Mary replied quickly. Mary's eyes followed Anna as she went to sit on her chair and grabbed a book from the table.

"Was it Lord Gillingham's servant the night of the party?" Mary had been thinking on it all night. It all fit. Anna had changed after that party and he had been Mary's visitor. Maybe it was a long shot, but perhaps she was right. Mary watched as Anna grew even paler than Mary though possible. Her hands clutched the book so tightly Mary was sure Anna would break it in two.

Anna couldn't move. It was all spreading. Her shame. Her secrets.

"I have to tell Lord Gillingham. He…"

"No!" Anna screeched. "Please, don't."

"But Anna, he can't get away with it."

"He already has," Anna answered solemnly, before pretending none of their talk had just happened and started reading her book.

XXXXXX

"Mr. Bates?" Mary's voice rang from the doorway. John turned his head and gave her a slight nod.

"Yes, m'lady."

"I think you need to go and talk to Anna," Mary told him.

"I mustn't," he disagreed. "I'll only upset her more. Also, I need to tend to Lord Grantham."

"I'll deal with Papa," Mary said dismissively. "Anna needs you now. She's convinced herself that lying to you is the best thing for you, but it's killing her."

"The best thing for me?" John questioned. How could it be the best for him? He was losing his wife.

"She's worried about what you'll do if you know the truth," Mary informed him. "You need to reassure her that you won't do something impulsive with the information if she gives it to you."

John wasn't sure what to say. What could she possibly know about Anna that he didn't? And what could he possibly do to worry Anna so much?

"Come on," Mary said, not giving him a minute to contemplate more over his thoughts. She led him to her bedroom.

"Mrs. Hughes," Mary stated. "We're going to give Mr. Bates and Anna a minute." Anna's head jerked to the doorway where her husband stood. She then gave Mrs. Hughes a pleading glance not to leave her.

"It's for the best love," Mrs. Hughes told her. "Just tell him. You'll feel so much better. I promise."

Anna's body ran hot from anger and betrayal. She turned her body away from the three of them and stared down at the ground. It was not their secret to tell or to force her to tell her husband.

Mrs. Hughes and Mary left the two of them alone. John stood in the doorway for a while studying his wife. Her beautiful blonde locks were tangled and dry. Her body was frail. Cheeks sunken in. How had he not noticed just how bad she had gotten?

"Anna," he finally called out. She ignored him. Her eyes glued to the book in her hands. He could tell she wasn't actually reading it. He wondered if this was a bad idea. Perhaps he should leave, maybe that would give her the peace she so desperately needed.

"Would it be easier for you if I left Downton?" He finally asked. It was the question he had been asking himself for the last two months.

"No," a soft cry left Anna's lips. "Please don't leave me."

"Anna," he said again gently. He took slow steps toward her. "You have carried the weight of this secret for a long time. I am your husband. Please let me hold that burden for you."

"I'm frightened," Anna admitted. Her lips quivered, but her eyes never swayed away from the book.

"Of what, my love?" He was beside her now. He pulled a chair closer to her and sat down. He reached over and placed his hand on her knee, but she pulled away sharply.

"_Don't_." It was a plea.

"Are you frightened of me?" John asked carefully. "Have I done something?" Anna shook her head fiercely.

"No. I'm frightened of what you'll do," she confessed.

"To you?" Anna continued to shake her head, as tears poured down her cheeks.

"To him," she cried. Her hands covered her face and she began to sob. John started to speak, but now that the truth had started she couldn't stop. The truth seeped out between her sobs. "I'm scared he'll come back. He'll hurt me again. I'm afraid you'll kill him and hang. I'll lose you," a sharp cry ripped through her lips. "I'm so frightened I'm going to have his baby and you'll hate me. I'm spoiled. I'm ruined for you. I…."

"Oh Anna," John sighed lovingly. His heart was breaking. While he felt rage against the man who had hurt his wife so horribly, that rage was being suppressed by the love and concern for his wife. How had she kept this a secret for so long? And how could he now help her? Carefully, he got down on one knee so that he could look up into her eyes. He suppressed the urge to hold her hand and just gave her a gentle smile.

"You are not ruined for me," he told her strongly. She slowly turned her eyes toward him. "I love you more than anything in this world, Anna. What he did to you is a reflection of him and not of you," he told her. "I could never hate you."

"Never?"

"Without question," he promised her. "Green is the monster. Anyone who can hurt someone has kind and pure as you, is purely evil."

Anna's eyes widened. "How did you know it was him?" Honestly, he didn't. It was his guess, but her eyes said it all.

"Nevermind that," he told her.

"But you didn't like him and I didn't listen. It's all my fault." Harsher sobs began to leave her lips.

"Anna," John said. "No, you are not to blame for any of it. You were brutally hurt," his fist began to clinch as he thought about the pain and suffering that man had put his wife through. He had to breathe deeply to put all of his focus on his wife's needs at the moment.

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I'm so, so sorry." John opened his mouth to tell her not to apologize, but then he realized it would be no use at the moment. She was exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

"Why don't you lie down for a bit? You need your rest," Anna could only nod.

Once she was in the bed, Anna whispered, "Will you stay with me?"

"Of course," He replied grabbing the chair to bring it closer.

"No, in the bed?"

While John felt uncomfortable getting into Lady Mary's bed, he did as his wife needed. All of his focus and attention needed to be on her for now. He sat on the very edge, as he remembered how much it frightened her when he had touched her knee earlier.

"No, lie next to me," she pleaded. John did as she asked. He sat on the bed with his legs up on the bed and his back against the head rest. He made sure to give space between the two of them. But what happened next surprised him, she laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arm around him. And before he knew it, she was asleep.

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you again to everyone who reviewed, favorited, followed, and read. _

**Chapter 3**

John's leg was completely stiff from lying in the same position for several hours, but he didn't mind. The stiffness that caused sharp aches every few moments allowed him to focus on that and remind himself not to touch the sleeping love of his life on his chest. He recalled the way her frightened face looked at him when he touched her knee earlier. It took every ounce of effort for him not to idly touch his wife while she slept in his arms. A few times he had innocently stroked her cheek with his hand or wiped a stray hair off her face, only to remind himself that she didn't want to be touched. It was imperative to him that he respect her wishes. The main reason was that he didn't want to alarm her. He loved her more than life itself and the last thing he wanted to do was make him an unsafe person for her. It angered him that someone could hurt someone has pure and kind as Anna. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve anything life had put her through lately.

John wanted to kill Green. Anna was correct about that. Every fiber in his being ached to give that man what he absolutely deserved. His face grew red and hot just thinking about how much he despised Green. What John wouldn't give to strangle him and see the light leave his eyes. John swallowed hard. No. He couldn't do that. Not to Anna. Taking a deep breath, his hand reached up to swipe a stray hair from her cheek. He pulled his hand away before he could, the sharp ache traveling up his leg to remind him not to touch her.

He sighed. Looking down at Anna's face, he wanted to cry. His poor, sweet Anna. A few short breaths left his lips, as he attempted to control his emotions. Anna needed this sleep she was getting right now. It was vital he kept his emotions in check so that she could get the rest she so desperately needed. He would stay there still for days if that was necessary.

"Here's some food for you," Mrs. Hughes whispered. John nearly jumped. He hadn't heard her come through the door. Grateful for her quietness and thoughtfulness, he gave her a gentle nod. "Let me know when she awakes, and I'll bring her some too." Just as quickly and quietly she had entered, Mrs. Hughes was gone again.

A low growl in his stomach reminded John how hungry he was. The smell of Mrs. Patmore's cooking made his mouth water a bit. He reached over with his hand to try to grab a small biscuit, but his movements made Anna stir. He froze. Anna tossed a bit before settling back down into a deep sleep. John twisted his lips. It appeared he wouldn't be able to eat for now. No bother, he told himself. Anna's rest was all that mattered.

Anna's arm moved from across his stomach down to her side. He watched as she subconsciously rested her hand atop her belly. His stomach flipped.

_Baby. _She had said it. _His baby._

John tightened his jaw. His urge to kill Green filled his body once more. Once again, Green had taken something pure from them. A baby was something the two of them had prayed for; had so eagerly wanted. The morning before their world fell apart they had tried for a baby. Anna had woken up early. He remembered it vividly. While he had been sleeping, her hands had fluttered over him. His eyes had opened to find her perched over him with a wide smile. _Let's make a baby,_ she had whispered. He had smiled in return and pulled her in for a kiss. It was passionate and completely unplanned. John recalled how he just knew afterwards that they would have a baby of their own soon.

But now it was complicated. Anna's hand brushed up his side and landed back over his chest. He sighed. She never said for sure that she was expecting. If she was, it wasn't in the way they had expected or wanted. There would be no way of knowing if it was his baby or Green's. The thought alone made him want to vomit. He honestly didn't know what that meant for him, for his feelings. John had thought on it a few times and every time he just ended up pushing those thoughts away. Until it was certain, it wasn't something he should allow himself to worry over for now.

His thoughts paused when Anna tensed under his finger, which had absentmindedly swiped the stray hair off her face.

XXXXX

Anna awoke with a start. She forgot where she was. Her eyes slowly focused on the room and the memories came flooding back. She was in Lady Mary's room. John knew everything. Anna took in a sharp breath. She felt a finger swipe the edge of her cheek. Her heart began to race in her chest and her whole body tightened. She closed her eyes. _It's just John, _she told herself. _He won't hurt you._

"Anna," John's gentle voice rang. She kept her eyes away from him. For a few moments she focused on her breathing. The rapid breaths slowly calmed and she allowed herself to slowly fall back into John's chest. She felt safe in his arms. For the first time in two months, she had slept without any memories, any dreams. Knowing there were no more secrets and that he was there to protect her, she had been able to sleep deeply.

"Anna," he questioned again. Her eyes fluttered up to meet him in the eyes. Concern looked back at her. She swallowed hard. She was a fool. One quick rest and the truth wasn't going to fix everything. She had just froze at his touch. Her world was still spinning. John had only been able to help her still it for a short while. She couldn't sleep forever. Awake the world was not as kind.

Suddenly she felt angry. Anger at being forced to tell, anger that her life would never be the same, and anger at well…everything. Anna sat up and turned away from John. She ignored his worried gaze and forced her eyes to the ground.

While she sat up, the smell of Mrs. Patmore's food reached her nostrils. The smell made her both starving and nauseous at the same time. Bile began its way up the back of her throat. She grabbed the basin next to the bed. Next to her, John shifted in an attempt to help her.

"Don't," she nearly yelled at him, before the bile escaped her lips and fell into the pan. There had been little in her stomach and all that sat in the basin was the thin watery bile from her stomach. Anna stared into the bowl, looking at the contents and knowing what they likely meant. Every day for the past several weeks, Anna had thrown up multiple times a day. Each time she had pushed away what that insinuated, but now with the doctor's words it seemed more concrete. Despite how much she tried to push away the thoughts of a baby in her belly, they wouldn't disappear. It only made her angrier.

"Here, let me take it," John offered. He calmly reached over to grab the basin. Anna held on to it tightly, unsure of why she was afraid to let it go. Eventually, her grasp loosened and he was able to take it from her. Anna sat still, as John took the basin to clean it out. In the short moments she was left alone in the room, angry tears began to form in her eyes. She clinched her hands into fists and pressed them into her sockets. No. She didn't want to cry anymore. She didn't want any of this.

"Anna, my darling." John was standing next to her. Again the anger boiled over her and she dropped her hands to her sides.

"Nothing will be the same. Don't you see?" she cried. Anna stood biting her lip to control the tears that threatened to escape. Shame surrounded her. She felt like it was growing. John knew, Mary knew, Mrs. Hughes knew. Who would be the next one on the list? She knew how gossip floated throughout the halls of this place. She wanted to escape. Go somewhere no one knew her. Start over.

"No," John agreed, "It won't."

Anna had walked to the window. It was a beautiful day outside. The sun was beginning to set and the sky was full of beautiful colors. She questioned how something could be so beautiful when she felt so incredibly ugly.

"I'm tired," Anna confessed. The simple words, though, held a much heavier meaning. She wasn't just exhausted and needing to sleep. Her mind and body were overcome with so many emotions and feelings. She didn't know where to start to get some rest. The rest she had just gotten seemed to have already disappeared from her small frame. Her hand touched the window, as if she was trying to touch the paint of the sun in the sky.

"Get some more rest," John pleaded. Anna shook her head.

"Do you think we're cursed?" Anna questioned. She slowly turned to John and watched him carefully. She could tell he was carefully picking his words in his head. However, she could see the doubt and worry in his face. He quickly covered it up with a soft smile, but it had been there. She had seen it.

"No, Anna," John said gently. "I don't." Even though she didn't believe him, Anna decided not to challenge him and turned back to the window. It was growing darker outside. Anna watched as a bird swooped down below a tree and then up over the clouds. She wondered how free that must be to be able to fly away wherever you wanted. She found herself pressing herself closer and closer to the window to watch the bird as it flew away from her sight.

"We will get past this," John promised, taking cautious steps toward his wife. Anna shook her head, taking a step back, but still looking through the window. "We will," he stated more strongly. At that, Anna turned sharply.

"Don't make promises you cannot keep," Anna snapped. A lone tear fell down her pale cheek. Her body shuttered. "I'm ruined….spoiled for you. I can't be who I used to be."

"You are not…." His words trailed away, because he could see on her face that those words were making her angry. She didn't want to be told who she was. "I don't want who you used to be, Anna. I want you, whoever you are."

Anna pierced her lips together and her head tilted to one side, watching him carefully. His reactions to her next words would be significant. "And if there's a baby?" She questioned.

John didn't expect to be put on the spot about that at this moment. He tried to force a neutral face, but he way his lips twitched before he spoke was telling.

"I…I'm…" For the first time, in a long while, John struggled with his words. Anna frustratingly sighed.

"You won't be able to live with it," she told him, her head shaking madly. "You won't." Tears were now streaming down her cheeks, her eyes frantic.

"Anna," John's calm voice attempted to settle her fears. "The baby could also be mine."

"But we don't know that!" She yelled. "Don't you see? We won't ever be able to know! What if…." Her voice paused and she turned away from him. Her eyes closed and she tried to calm herself down. She couldn't do this. It was all too hard.

"No matter what," John stated, "the baby will be yours. It will be your baby and I could never not love something that came from you."

The words were the right words. John always had a way of knowing the right things to say at the right time. However, they didn't fix anything. They may have sounded correct, but he didn't mean them. Not really. She knew her husband. This was not something that would be that easy of a fix.

Anna wiped the tears away from her cheeks with the back of her hand. She took in a deep breath before looking John in the eyes.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," she begged. Then she walked out of the room.

**To be continued...**


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you again to all who has read, reviewed, followed, etc. Quick update. Hopefully my muse will continue to let me update as quickly. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 4**

Anna didn't know where exactly she was going. She stormed down the stairs, pass the worried glances of several people, and right out the front door of the house. Both Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary had tried to stop her from leaving. She could still hear their voices calling out to her, as she rushed through the gardens.

Anna knew the grounds like the back of her hands. Every bush, every flower, all of it. It was her home. When she first moved to Downton Abbey, Anna had spent many hours out in the gardens. During her free time, she would roam around identifying all the plants she knew. Then she would go back to her room and search in her books about the ones she didn't know. It had been one of her favorite things about living in a place like this. While it used to be a place of comfort, she no longer felt that peace here.

It was growing darker and darker which was making it harder to see. She stopped when she reached the bridge over the small stream. What was she going to do? Why was she out here? Instantly, she began to panic. Her breaths became sharp and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. Anna placed her hands on the edge of the bridge and began to sob. The crying only made it harder to gasp for air. She felt completely lost. She had nowhere to turn to. Nowhere to run.

When John finally found her, he could tell she was struggling to breathe. Without much thought, John grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him.

"Anna," he stated strongly, "You need to take a deep breath. You will pass out if you don't calm down." Anna tried to pull against his grasp, but he just held on a little tighter.

"Anna, I won't hurt you," he promised. "But you have to calm down." Anna's eyes met his and she finally nodded. John took a few long deep breaths showing her what to do. Anna started to follow along. "That's it," he told her.

As Anna's breaths calmed, her shoulders began to shake. She felt incredibly vulnerable. That was the last thing she wanted to be. After Anna had calm down, John gave her the soft smile that usually made her heart flutter. But now, it did nothing.

"Let's go home," John suggested. _Home. _The word filled Anna with a warmth she no longer knew that she could possess. It was comforting. Her home. Their home.

"Yes," Anna agreed. John turned and put out his hand for her to take it. Anna rubbed her hands together nervously, before taking her husband's hand. It was then that she remembered how perfectly the two hands fit together.

XXXXXX

The first thing Anna noticed about their cottage was how welcoming it was. She could tell that John had been making an effort to have it ready for her return. There were fresh flowers in a vase on the table and a small pie sitting next to the stove. A small smile grew on her lips. It was the first real smile she had had in a long time.

"It looks lovely," Anna breathed. She heard the tap of the cane behind her, which let her know he was walking up behind her.

"I wanted it ready for you." John walked past Anna and towards the table. He then pulled a chair out for her. "Here, have a seat. I will get you something to eat." Anna opened her mouth to protest, but the growl in her stomach made her nod in agreement.

"I probably should," she replied. She took a seat in the chair John had set out and watched as he prepared some light food for her to eat. Watching him care for her, made her chest tighten in guilt.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking toward him earnestly. John paused what he was doing and turned toward her. "I'm so sorry."

"About what, my darling?"

"For all the pain I've put you through. I've been horrible to you. I never should have lied to you!" John rushed to her side. He sat down next to her and gingerly grabbed her hand.

"None of that," he gently chided, wiping a stray tear down her cheek. "Don't you dare feel like you have to apologize to me. I should be the one who is sorry." Anna looked up to him confused.

"But…why?"

"You shouldn't have to fear for my life. It is not your job to protect me."

"I…."

"I'm glad I know," he told her. "Now we can come through it together." John went back to preparing her food. Soon he sat down some eggs and toast for her to eat.

Anna's stomach growled at the food in front of her. She eagerly picked up her fork and began to engulf it all. She didn't know if it was the best food she had ever eaten or if she was just that hungry.

"Slow down, love. You don't want to make yourself sick," John warned.

"It's very good," Anna told him. She took a small break to take a sip of tea, then she returned to her food. Within minutes, her plate was clean. She stood to clean up, when John stopped her.

"You need your rest," he reminded her. Anna sighed, but nodded.

"I would really like to bathe before bed," she stated. She couldn't explain why. But ever since the _event _she needed to bathe at least once a day. No matter how much she cleaned herself, she never felt clean enough. She could still feel _him_ all over her body.

John nodded and began to get the tub ready for her. He wouldn't let her lift a finger. In some ways, it was comforting. It was a reminder of how he had always cared for her so greatly. But in other ways, it frustrated her. She wasn't incompetent. She could do things on her own.

"It's ready," John informed her. She went into the bathroom and realized that John was still standing in the doorway. "I didn't know if you would need any help," he told her.

Anna shook her head. She wasn't ready for the type of intimacy that came with him helping her into the tub and seeing her unclothed. She didn't know when or if she would ever be.

"I'll be right outside the door," he told her.

Anna climbed into the tub and immediately began to scrub her body. There were areas of her body that were becoming raw and dry from the over washing. She didn't care. It still wasn't clean. She focused on every part of her body, but there were certain places that needed extra attention. Although the bruises had faded, she could still remember exactly where he had touched her, where he had hurt her, where he had… She let her thoughts fade away.

"Anna, are you okay in there?" John's voice called. It was then she realized the water was cold. She had been in the tub for a long while now.

"Yes," she called back. Slowly, she pulled herself up and out of the water. The mirror across of her caught her eye. A sharp gasp filled her lips. She had been avoiding all mirrors, especially when she was undressed. She felt like she could see his hand prints still all over her. She grabbed the bar of soap next to her and threw it at the mirror.

XXXXX

While Anna bathed, John washed the dishes that he had placed in the sink earlier. There was something cathartic about cleaning. Cleaning had been his one way to survive the past several weeks without his wife. During those long evenings at home, he would focus on a different part of the house to deep clean. Then every few days, he would make a fresh pie in hopes of his wife's return. Usually all of the cleaning and baking would tire him out enough so that he didn't lie awake too long in his thoughts. Then every morning he would awake before the sun as he felt for his wife's presence on the empty side of the bed. That was when he would make up their bed and sit down and read. The mornings were worse than the evenings. For some reason, he had found her absence more unbearable then.

But now she was home. A pleased sigh left his lips. Even though they still had a long way to go, his wife was home. He had even seen a genuine smile on his wife's lips the moment she entered the house. His body radiated with warmth remembering that smile. Happiness had taken over his wife, even if just for a brief moment. That gave him the hope he had lost. They could eventually get past this.

Finished with the kitchen, John grabbed a book off the shelf and sat down in his favorite chair. He read a few chapters, before checking the time on his watch. Anna had been in the tub for over an hour. His eyebrows furrowed in worry.

"Anna, are you okay in there?" He questioned from the doorway. Anna quietly responded. He went to turn away to give her more time. However, a loud sharp sound made him jump.

"Anna!" John screamed at the sounds of the glass shattering over the floor. "Anna!" He attempted to open the door, but it was locked. He cried her name again, but still didn't hear a thing. He slammed his entire weight against the door and forced it open. Anna stood in front of him clutching a towel over her body, her eyes wide with fear and shock. Shards of the mirror covered the floor. John quickly realized Anna had broken it.

"Anna," John whispered in worry. Anna gazed up at him sheepishly and then bit the corner of her lip.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," John said with defeat in his voice. Without any more words, John helped to guide Anna out of the room to keep her from stepping on any of the glass. Once they were out of the wash room, he let go of her arm.

"I'm sorry," she cried.

"Please don't apologize," John stated. His jaw tightened with worry and concern. Anna was shaking from the cold. She tightened the towel tighter over her small frame.

"Go on and get ready for bed," John gently said. He watched as Anna slid into their room and closed the door behind her. Once again, he felt defeated. He turned back to the washroom and began to sweep up the broken shards.

Once he was done, he headed toward their shared bedroom door. He stood for a moment wondering if it might not be better for him to stay on the couch. Perhaps, she needed her own space.

"John?" Her voice called. It was as if she knew he was right outside the door. "I heard your cane," she added. Oh, he thought. She had.

"Can I come in?" John questioned.

Anna opened the door for him. He was quick to notice the way her hair framed her beautiful face. He always loved when her hair was down. A soft smile grew on his lips.

"I will try," Anna promised. "I can't promise it'll happen overnight, but I will try. I need you to be patient for me."

"I will do whatever you ask of me, darling." Anna smiled once more. It made his heart skip a beat. He followed her into their bedroom. Anna climbed into the bed and then patted the bed for him to join her.

"I….as I said, I can't promise anything…" Anna told him. John shook his head.

"I'll take you lead on everything." He slowly pulled his hands up to her cheeks, waiting a moment for her agreement for him to touch her. "Nothing until you are absolutely ready, my love. I will be celibate forever if that is what you need."

"I don't deserve you," Anna said leaning into his right hand.

"No, I don't deserve you." John caressed her cheeks and then pulled his hands away. "Now get some rest." John waited for Anna to get comfortable, before lying down beside her. He was unsure of how close or far to be. It didn't matter though, because Anna immediately curled into his arms.

"Hold me," she requested. "I feel safe in your arms."

**To be continued...**


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks again!_

**Chapter 5**

It had been several weeks since Anna had moved back into their cottage. There was a bit of a routine Anna and John had gotten into with her return. Every morning, John was up early making her breakfast. Anna would admonish him, telling him he would upset Mrs. Patmore, and John would shake his head telling her she needed the extra food. Anna would eat the simple breakfast to appease her worried husband, before, most mornings, throwing it all up. Then the two of them would walk to Downton Abbey together, hands held tightly. Anna would have her second breakfast, while John had his first. While they waited to be called upstairs, the two would speak to the others as if everything was normal. Then after work, they would walk back together as they had come. Evenings were often in the living room, reading books or the newspaper. Then Anna would bathe before bed. A daily routine she needed and that John obliged. And at night, John would hold Anna while she slept. There were still a lot of bad days and some better days. No days were perfect. But they did have good moments. Moments where Anna laughed out loud, her smile reaching and brightening her eyes. Those were the moments they both lived for.

On this particular morning, Anna had woken up in a bitter mood. She wasn't sure why. Like every night she had been back into her husband's arms, she had slept dreamless. Nighttime had begun to be her safe space. A place where no one could hurt her or impede her dreams. But she woke up bitter nonetheless.

John was already downstairs making breakfast. Anna sighed. He really didn't need to do that. Most of the food she ate throughout the day ended up in a basin.

"John," She admonished, like every morning.

"I know, I know," John brushed off her concerns. He placed a plate in front of her and motioned for her to sit down.

"I'm not a child," Anna argued. Again, she was in a mood this morning. For some reason, she felt up for a fight. John sighed.

"I know," he told her. "You don't have to eat if you don't want to."

Anna let out a loud breath and covered her face with her hands. "I'm sorry," she said between her fingers. "I don't know why…I'm just feeling disagreeable this morning. I shouldn't take it out on you."

"It's no bother."

Anna took a few bites of the food that her husband had lovingly prepared for her. Not long after taking a bite or two did the nausea begin. John handed her a basin and all the contents from the previous night's dinner came up. No matter how simple she ate, her food would always leave her soon after. The sour stomach hadn't gone away. She had hoped being back into a routine that she would feel more like herself and that her monthlies would return, but they hadn't.

"I'm going to go and finish getting ready." Anna walked to the washroom so she could wipe her face. She hated throwing up in their kitchen. It was completely against all the manners she had learned as a young girl. However, once the nausea hit in the mornings, she had to vomit right away. Making it to the washroom was nearly impossible.

Anna wiped her face and tore off her evening gown. The mirror she had destroyed had just been replaced. Instead of above the sink, John had set the new mirror in a corner. That way, it could be turned away and Anna wouldn't have to look at it if she didn't want to. Anna walked over to it and inspected her face to make sure there weren't any traces of her being sick on it. She took a step back and looked at her frame. She needed to do this. She couldn't be scared of her own refection of her body. It was then that she noticed it. Even though the signs were so clearly there, she had still hoped she was reading them wrong. But there it was. A sign she could no longer ignore. It had happened over night. Her hands flew up to the small swell of her stomach.

"Well, I guess there's no more denying you are there," she whispered out loud. A small tear escaped the side of her eye and she inhaled sharply. Should she tell John? Her fingers lightly brushed over the swell. They had promised each other that there would be no more secrets. But everything had been better. She hadn't felt like she was in that deep cloud anymore. What would this do to her progress?

_No more secrets. _John's voice was inside her head.

"John," Anna called out. Her eyes were still on the swell through the mirror.

"Anna?" He called out from the other side of the door.

"Please come in."

Through the mirror, Anna watched the door slowly open. She watched as John cautiously peeked his head in. His eyes widened when he saw she was standing unclothed in front of him.

"Anna, are you sure?" He questioned. She hadn't wanted him to see any part of her lately. She was always undressing and dressing in the privacy of their room or washroom.

"I…." she paused. She walked up towards him and took his hands. "I wanted to see if you saw the same thing I did." John was puzzled and his face showed it. His head tilted and eyebrows rose.

"What…?"

Before he could finish his question, Anna led his hands to her stomach. His eyes widened and Anna bit her lip.

"It's really there, isn't it?" She asked. Her lips began to quiver.

"Anna…"

"We knew it…." She trailed off, stepping away from him. She grabbed her slip and brought it over herself. "I just thought that maybe…."

"It'll be okay," John told her.

"I'm scared," Anna admitted.

"I know."

"There's no denying it. I'm expecting," she sighed. A lump formed in Anna's throat and a few stray tears fell down her cheeks. John retook her hands and gave them a loving squeeze.

"No, _we're_ expecting," he said firmly.

"John," came out as an exasperated sigh. "You don't know that. How will you feel if…?"

"Anna…"

She pushed him away. Again, she was angry. It felt as though that was her main emotion lately. Her cheeks ran hot and fists began to clinch at her sides. Despite what she had wanted, she had no control over any aspect of her life. Green would continue to ruin it.

"Just leave me be!" Anna yelled at John.

Without any disagreement, John slipped through the doorway leaving Anna alone. She knew she was being unreasonable and exceptionally harsh to John, but she couldn't help it. Her emotions were getting the best of her. That was something she had learned about herself recently. Since the attack, she couldn't control her emotions as well as she could before. While she had been within the deep fog, it had been harder to recognize. Now all these emotions could take over her and once they hit, they were hard to control, especially around John. She didn't know why that was the case and she felt horrible that he bore the brunt of her explosions.

To try to keep her mind off of her feelings, Anna finished up getting ready for the day. She pulled her hair into a tight bun and pulled the black dress over her figure. At that moment, she was glad it was loose around her belly. Her hand landed back on her swollen stomach. She caught her eye in the mirror and sighed. Nothing could take it back now.

XXXXXX

At work, Anna was usually better at controlling her emotions with her daily task keeping her in check. However, this morning was different. She snapped at everyone downstairs. Carson had stood in disbelief when Anna yelled at him to mind his own. Then poor Daisy went off crying after Anna screamed at her when she spilled some milk. All morning, Mrs. Hughes and John had been on disaster control, as they tried to put out the fires Anna kept creating. Finally, Mrs. Hughes pulled John into her room.

"Mr. Bates, if you cannot control your wife, she will need to go home," Mrs. Hughes admonished. "Soon she will be called upstairs and Lady Mary will not have a Lady's Maid speaking to her like this."

John ran his hand over his face and sighed. "I rather agree. It's just….she's having a bad day."

"Mr. Bates, you know I feel for Anna and what she's been through, but this is not acceptable behavior."

"I know," John agreed. "Something's happened today and she feels lost. Whenever she loses control, anger seems to take over. Usually, she just takes it out on me. I'm her safe person. Today's new development seems to have pushed her over the edge."

"What development, Mr. Bates?"

John's jaw tightened and he wondered if it was his secret to tell. But were there really secrets now between the three of them? He exhaled heavily.

"Anna is expecting."

"Well, that's good news. Isn't it? Haven't the two of you been wanting a baby?" Mrs. Hughes asked.

"The problem is that it could be Green's."

"Oh no," Mrs. Hughes' face grew dark. "I just assumed…It's been so long."

"She's known for a while. It's just that today she's started showing. It's very real now."

"Yes, well," Mrs. Hughes paused. "Maybe it would be best if she went home for the rest of the day. I can cover Lady Mary. Perhaps you should go home, as well. I don't know if she should be alone right now."

"Yes, probably not."

XXXXXXX

The rest of the day Anna spent on a bench right outside of their cottage. She hadn't spoken to John since he told her she needed to go home. That had only made her angrier. Who was to tell her she couldn't do her job? When they had gotten home, Anna refused to go inside. No matter how much John tried to sway her indoors, she didn't budge. John had brought her out food and a book to read. One time, Anna had tried to read the book. However, her thoughts had been too muddled to read anything.

Darkness was starting to cover the fields. It would be nighttime soon. A chill filled the air and she clutched on her jacket to pull it tighter over her chest.

The opening of their door caused her to jump. She turned to see John's head sticking out of the doorway.

"It's late. Come on in for bed," John said. He stepped into the doorway and reached his hand toward her. Anna turned her head away from him and toward the moon that was peeking out between some clouds.

"I don't know who I am anymore," she finally said a few moments later.

"Anna…"

Anna turned back to him and met his eyes. "I didn't mean to be so cruel today." Tears began to well in her eyes.

"I know," John replied. He took a seat next to her. "It's okay."

"It's not," Anna stated. "I was awful to _everyone_. I'm going to have to go back and apologize tomorrow. Mr. Carson is probably telling Mrs. Hughes to fire me as we speak."

"I'll handle Mr. Carson."

"I honestly don't know if I can do this, John. How can I be a mum? I'm a mess." Tears started to slowly stream down Anna's cheeks. "What if I can't love her? What…what if I hate her?"

"Anna," John sighed, "You're the most loving person I know. You will love the baby. I know it."

In disbelief, Anna laughed. "Most loving? Did you see how I was today?"

"You're dealing with more than a person should. I've been thinking and I think we should take a holiday."

"A holiday?"

"Yes, just you and me. We can go away for a couple of weeks. I think getting away from this place would be good for you."

"But what about Lady Mary and Lord Grantham?"

"Lord Grantham is heading to America. Thomas is going with him," John explained. Anna looked to him perplexed.

"Why isn't he taking you? I can't let you miss this kind of opportunity." John shook his head and gave her a soft smile.

"I'm not missing a thing. Lady Mary convinced your father to take Thomas with him. I would much rather be here with you."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. I have spoken to Lady Mary about you needing a holiday and she agrees with me."

"Oh," Anna whispered. Her lips twisted into a small smile. "It could be nice," she finally agreed.

John lovingly wrapped his arm around Anna and she rested her head on his chest. A calmness came over Anna as she thought about the upcoming holiday. Time away from Downton sounded absolutely wonderful.

"Her?" John questioned into the night air.

"Hum?"

"Earlier, when you were speaking about the baby. You said _her_."

"Yes. I feel like she's a girl."

"Well that sounds like trouble," John said. Anna pushed up and furrowed her brows. John giggled. "A little girl will have me wrapped around her finger, you know. She will get away with everything."

At that, Anna laughed. And to John it was the best sound in the world.

_To be continued..._


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you everyone! _

**Chapter 6**

When she came back to work after her bad day, she apologized profusely to everyone for her previous behavior. She told them she knew that wasn't like herself and that she wouldn't let it happen again. Carson did not appear pleased with her apologies, but he didn't say a word once she was finished. Later, Anna found Daisy alone and gave her another apology. She felt terrible for making the young girl cry. Daisy forgave her and the two of them then talked about Anna's upcoming holiday. Then for the rest of the week, Anna stayed in good spirits.

It was now Anna's last day at work before their holiday. The rest of the week had gone by rather slowly, but Anna hadn't minded. Keeping her thoughts to their upcoming trip, Anna nearly floated through her work.

"Will that be all Lady Mary?" Anna questioned, picking up her dress to clean for the next day.

"Yes," Mary replied, before turning towards Anna. "I hope you enjoy your holiday."

Anna gave a small smile, "Yes."

"When you return, we will make plans for the arrival of your new little one." Anna's smile wavered.

"How…how did you know?"

"I figured it out ages ago," Mary informed her with a shrug of her shoulders. "I quite remember the signs at the beginning."

"Yes, m'lady," Anna's lips twitched.

"Is it Mr. Bates?" Anna's face went pale. She began to rub her hands together nervously. Mary's face pinched in concern and then she forced a gentle smile. "Well, as far as we're concerned, it is." She told her strongly.

"Thank you, Lady Mary," Anna said. Her lower lip began to quiver slightly. "I don't want anyone to look at us differently. Me, Mr. Bates, the baby. I don't want them to know what happened. Oh the stories they would weave," Anna cried. Anna could just imagine all of the rumors that would begin to spread the moment anyone caught wind that the baby may not be Mr. Bates. It will kill John to have things whispered about him, and he would likely take his anger out on any of the young lads who dared to say anything in his face. And Anna wasn't sure she would survive it. Her secret needed to be kept safe. She wasn't strong enough for anyone else to know.

"Well they won't hear it from me," Mary promised. Anna sighed a huge sigh of relief. She trusted Lady Mary to keep her secret for her. "You helped me out once in the dead of the night. That created a bond between you and me."

Anna gave Mary a small smile, "Thank you. Truly."

XXXX

In just a few short hours, they would be leaving for their holiday. They were headed to a city not too far away. They were going to stay at a small bed and breakfast. It was far enough away that they wouldn't know anyone there, but close enough that they wouldn't have to spend too much time traveling. Their bags were packed and sitting by the door. It was something they were both looking forward to, what they both needed.

But right now, John couldn't sleep. There was still an hour before the sun would rise, but John was wide awake. Ever since he had learned of the attack, he found that he could no longer sleep in. During the day, he was able to keep his thoughts on work and protecting Anna. At night, he focused all of his energy making Anna feel safe so that she could sleep soundly. He knew how much she needed it. Throughout the night, Anna would slowly move away from him as their body heat would make them both too warm to cuddle in one another's arms. He would always awake with a start when her hand slipped off him. Depending on when that would happen, he would be awake for the rest of the night/early morning. Thankfully, it was usually in the mornings and he would get enough rest to make it through the days.

The early mornings were when his mind wouldn't let him think of anything other than Anna's attack and the baby in her belly. This morning all he could think of was the baby. He was trying so hard to remain calm and collected about the whole situation. Anna had been through too much for him to share his real feelings with her. He felt guilty about it, but there was no way he could admit to her how scared he was. How would he do once the baby was here? Right now it was easy. The baby was still in Anna's baby. But once the baby was here…..

John sighed. He worried he wouldn't be able to love it; that he would feel disconnected from the poor innocent life that hadn't asked to be here. He wondered if he would search the child's face for traces of who it belonged to. In some ways, he was grateful that there was no way to know for sure. If he knew with certainty it was his, then of course, he would have so much relief. However, if he knew it was definitely Green's, he wasn't sure what he would do with that information. What if he couldn't love it and Anna did? It would tear them apart. John wanted to love this baby, if only to make Anna's life easier. So he forced a smile on his face and pretended that, without a doubt, it was his.

Inching out of the bed, John went into the kitchen to start breakfast for Anna. Part of this routine he had started, was more for his sanity than trying to feed his wife. He needed something to focus his mind on so that he didn't go mad within his thoughts. It was the only way he knew he could stay strong for his wife.

"You're up early," Anna said, slipping into the kitchen. A huge yawn came from her lips, as she pulled the blanket over her shoulders. She leaned against the wall and gave John a sweet smile. "Come back to bed."

"I was just going to make us some breakfast," John told her, returning her smile. "You should get some rest. We still have some time before we need to catch our train."

Anna laid her head against the wall and creased her brows.

"You don't always have to be strong, Mr. Bates." The sound of Anna using his name like that brought back a flood of memories to a simpler time. John shook his head and gave her a wink.

"I'm fine, my darling. Go back to bed."

Anna pushed herself off the wall and pulled John into a hug. Her arms wrapped around him strongly, before placing her head on his chest.

"You've been so good to me through it all. I don't know if I would still be alive without you, without your strength." John rested his head on Anna's head. He took in a deep breath, taking in his moments with her. "But John," Anna said somewhat sharply, "You have to take care of yourself too. I know this is hard for you. Please let me help you too." John pulled away slightly and placed her face into his hands lovingly.

"As long as you are here, you help me," He told her strongly. "But I will come to you if I ever hit a moment that it too much to bear on my own."

"Promise?" Anna questioned him with a serious glare.

"I promise."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John and Anna's week long holiday was exactly what the two of them needed. Time away from work, from Downton Abbey, from everyone they knew was freeing in a sense. Here they had no obligations. They were able to stay in bed all morning if they wanted to. They could peruse shops at any moment and eat their meals together with just the two of them.

Anna had hoped that on this trip she would be able to be completely intimate with her husband again, but she hadn't been ready. All she had been able to do was give him a gentle kiss on the lips. She knew he wouldn't pressure her, and for that she was grateful. However, she did miss those purely intimate moments they used to share. One day, she prayed, they would be able to have them again.

Something new that had occurred on this holiday was John's nightly strokes of her belly. And just like the nights before them, tonight John asked to see the swell of her stomach again.

"Of course," Anna replied. She enjoyed this new development of their relationship. She felt fine allowing her to see that part of him. It also made the baby less daunting with the way that he wanted to connect with it. She lifted her gown and there was the small swell. In just the week they had been away, it seemed to have grown. John's hand gently laid on it and his fingers stroked the curve of her abdomen.

"Do you still think it's a girl?" John questioned. Anna murmured and nodded. She was drifting into sleep. They had had a long day walking through the village. Her body was exhausted. She felt John's hand leave her stomach and move to her head. He began to stroke her cheek and he kissed her temple. "Get some sleep love. Tomorrow is our last day."

XXX

Both John and Anna awoke early for their last day on holiday. They had no major plans for the day, but neither wanted to miss out. Tomorrow they would be back at work and their time away would be over. Anna was nervous about returning. It had been so nice to be away from the place it had happened. This had been the longest she had gone without a bad day. Every day on their vacation, she had been in high spirits. She worried what would happen when they returned.

"Want to walk around the shops?" John questioned after they finished their breakfasts. Anna smiled.

"Sounds lovely."

There was a stretch of shops outside their bed and breakfast. Anna had been eyeing a shop full of baby things their whole trip. Every time she had wanted to go in, she had chickened out. Her eyes found the shop as soon as they exited the bed and breakfast. John saw her eyeing it and took her hand.

"Come on, then. Let us go and look." He gave her hand a tight squeeze.

As they walked into the store, Anna's eyes were immediately drawn to some small stuffed animals. One small bear brought a smile to her lips. She picked up the bear and showed it to John.

"What do you think?" John shrugged his shoulders.

"It's a bear," he stated simply. Anna giggled at his indifference.

"For the baby, do you think the baby would like it?"

"Oh, well. Probably," John told her with a smile. "I was thinking she might rather like this," he said grabbing a blanket. Anna took the blanket from John. It was beautifully sewn. It was white with pink specks throughout the fabric and lace along the edges.

"And what if it's a boy, Mr. Bates?" Anna teased.

"You are the one that keeps insisting it's a girl, Mrs. Bates," he teased back. John pulled her close and kissed her on the temple. "I have to run across the street to grab something. I'll be right back," he promised. Anna nodded and turned back to the items in the store. Baby gowns drew her attention.

She gingerly took one of the gowns off of its hanger and held it in her arms. She marveled at how tiny it was. How could such a small creature be coming to her? Her fingers ran over the soft fabric and she smiled. Maybe, just maybe she could do it.

A moment later, she felt a presence behind her. Anna smiled.

"That was fast," Anna said, before beginning to pull down another baby gown. Her fingers froze, however, when the voice spoke behind her.

"Having a baby, _Mrs. Bates_?" Anna swallowed hard. She slowly turned to face the man behind her. The color in her face drained.

There in front of her stood Mr. Green.

_To be continued..._


	7. Chapter 7

_Thank you so much for all the new reviews and follows! I hope you enjoy! _

**Chapter 7**

As Anna matched eyes with her attacker, her hands began to shake and knees began to tremble. Mr. Green's eyes slyly ran over her body and he gave her a wicked grin. Anna wanted to scream, but a knot formed in the base of her throat. Her eyes glanced nervously around her, praying for someone to come by and grab Green's attention. Stepping backwards, Anna's back pinched into the display behind her. She felt trapped. Anna's entire body began to shake. She watched as Green's hand reached toward her. He touched her cheek and then ran his hand down her face, to her arm, and then rested it on her belly. Anna gasped, praying a scream would leave her lips, praying someone would come and help her.

"So a baby…" Green stated menacingly. "Surely it's not that husband of yours." He stepped closer to her. Anna could feel his hand moving back up before it landed on the back of her head. He leaned into her. Anna could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Surely someone would stop him. She was in public. Someone had to see. A tear seeped from her eyes, as Green whispered in her ear. "No worries love. It could have only come from a real man."

Before Anna knew it, Green was out of her face. It took her a moment to see that John was back and had the scruff of Green's jacket in his hand, pulling him away from Anna. The rest of what happened was a blur. Anna's shaking body sunk down into the floor. She pushed herself back into a corner and covered her ears when she started to hear another woman screaming.

XXXXX

John strolled back towards the store that sold baby things. His eyes scanned the room for Anna. It was then he saw him. _Green_. His body ran red with rage. What was that bastard doing here? John then saw that he was next to Anna. His Anna. John didn't take the time to think anything else through. He briskly walked over toward Green and grabbed the neck of his jacket, pulling him away from his wife.

"Get away from her!" John snarled. He pushed Green up against the wall. Getting into his face, John felt the sudden urge to kill him right then and there.

"Stop it!" A woman called from the back of the room. "Get out of my store!" She yelled at both of them. Green tried to push away from John, but John just held his grip tighter.

"If you come near my wife again, you will regret it," John sneered into his face. Rage blinded him. He pulled Green toward him and then slammed it against the wall again. Green struggled against his grasp. John heard the lady scream for them to leave again. John was brought back to where he was and finally released his grasp on Green. Green then scanned the room, before disappearing out of the door.

"You! Out!" The lady cried again.

John lifted his hands in surrender and gave the lady a weak smile. "Sorry, ma'am," he apologized. "If you'll just let me get my wife and pay for the few things we've picked out, we'll be on our way." John motioned his hand to show her where his wife was. When the woman saw the state Anna was in, she gave him a small nod. While she didn't understand what had happened, she realized the man had been protecting his wife.

John slowly moved down to where Anna was sitting. Her eyes were shut tight and hands were clutched over her ears. John sighed. This was going to undo all the good that the week had given them. He gently touched her wrist. Anna jumped, but opened her eyes. When she saw it was John, Anna began to cry. John pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.

"I won't let him come near you again," John promised in her ear. "Come on now, we have to get out of this store."

After they left the store, Anna begged to go back to Downton early. John agreed to her request and they caught the first train back home.

On the train ride home, Anna remained withdrawn. She sat away from John and kept her eyes on the sights through the window. Whenever John would try to say something, Anna would just ignore him or give a short one word answer. John felt defeated. That bastard had done it again. In many ways, he wished he had just killed him then and there. How did Green find his wife? He wondered if Green had searched her out or if it was a coincidental meeting. He hoped it was the later. If Green was intentionally following his wife, then something would have to be done. He couldn't let that man get near Anna again. His fist clinched and jaw tightened. However, they both softened when he saw Anna's lips quivering.

"Anna, I won't let him hurt you again," John whispered. He attempted to hold her hand, but Anna pulled away. "Anna, please let me in." Anna remained silent. John sighed. He checked his pocket for the small token he had bought his wife and then made sure it was safe where it was sitting. Moments later, he was surprised to hear his wife's voice.

"It'll never be over," she quietly cried. "He'll always be there." John looked up, not knowing what to say. Anna turned to him sharply. "He knows, John! He knows!" Anna began to panic. Her face was cloaked in fear and she covered her stomach protectively with her hands. "What if he comes for the baby?! He knows where we live, John. What if…"

"Shh," John shushed, placing his hands on her shoulders. He met her eyes and shook his head. "He won't come back for either of you."

"She's my baby," Anna cried. "_Mine_. He can't have her."

"No," John agreed. "I won't allow it." It was then that Anna allowed John to hold her crying frame. John knew he had to do something to protect Anna and the baby from Mr. Green. He wanted to kill the man, but he knew he couldn't. Well, he couldn't go and search for him. Getting hanged would only hurt Anna more. However, if that bastard showed back up near his wife or the baby, he may not have any other choice. If he dared to hurt either of them, he would kill him. There was no doubt in his body.

John needed a plan to protect his family. He would have to talk to his Lordship and Lady Mary. Hopefully he wouldn't have to tell his Lordship the entire story, but just enough to ensure that Green would not be allowed on the grounds. The bigger fear came to when Anna was out with Lady Mary or he was away with his Lordship. For now, Lord Grantham was still overseas. So he would be able to be near Anna at all times. Once he was back, things would change.

He was concerned with Green knowing there was a baby. Would that encourage Green to come back? Would he try to steal the baby? John wondered if Green would care about a baby or if he just said something to frighten Anna. Green was the type to like to scare women. John felt red with rage again. He hated that the bastard had come back into their lives.

XXX

Mrs. Hughes was surprised to see Anna and John walking toward Downton Abbey from out of the window. A large smile spread on her cheeks. She was excited to hear all about their holiday. She knew it was just what Anna needed. Mrs. Hughes quickly went outside to welcome them back home.

"You're back," she called out to them. She waved and started toward them. However, when she saw their downtrodden faces, her smile faded.

"What's happened?" Mrs. Hughes worriedly questioned. "Anna?" She asked, when Anna burst into tears. John wrapped his arm around his wife and pulled her closer.

"I need to speak with you and Lady Mary. Something has happened."

Mrs. Hughes was, thankfully, able to get Lady Mary very quickly. She led her downstairs to her room where Anna and John were waiting for them. Mrs. Hughes quickly noticed how withdrawn Anna was. Every few moments she would gasp, stifling more tears that were threatening to escape her lips.

"Anna? What's happened?" Lady Mary questioned, her face was full of concern.

John sighed heavily. He stepped away from Anna and towards the two other women.

"We saw Mr. Green today," he filled them in. Both ladies gasped. Anna let out a loud cry. Mrs. Hughes walked over to her and pulled her into her arms.

"What? What did he want?" Mary asked.

"Maybe I should take her elsewhere," Mrs. Hughes suggested. Anna's sobs were getting stronger.

"No, we'll leave," Mary stated. Mary led John into an empty room down the hall. "So what's happened?"

"We were in a shop today. He came up behind her," John sighed, running his hand over his face. "He knows there's a baby. Anna is frightened that he'll come back for it."

Mary's pierced her lips.

"Do you think he will?"

"No. Well, I don't know," John answered honestly. "I don't think he is one who would tie himself down with a child. I think he just wanted to scare her. However…"

"We can't know for sure."

"Exactly."

"Okay, I will have a talk with Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes about some safety measures we can do around the house. While Papa is out of town, you can shadow Anna. If we go out of town, you'll go with us. Mr. Carson won't approve, but I can handle that. When Papa comes home, we'll figure something else out."

"Thank you, m'lady," John expressed his gratitude.

"Now, take Anna home. Let her get some rest. If she can't make it in tomorrow, just let me know."

"Thank you for being so understanding."

XXXX

That evening, Anna couldn't eat a thing. She felt sick. In her mind, she kept going to scenarios of how things could have happened if John hadn't shown up to save her. His hands had been on her again. He had total control of her. He was winning. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them tightly.

Every sound Anna heard made her jump. She was sure Green was sneaking around waiting to pounce at her again. Her eyes scanned outside the window in fear.

"You can't have me. You can't have my baby," she whispered out into the air. She began to rock back and forth, her sense of control slipping further and further away.

"Anna, my darling. Let's go to bed," John sat his book down next to him. Anna shook her head.

"He can't win. I won't let him win."

"Anna…"

Anna stood up. No she wouldn't let him win. Anna walked closer to John and surprised him by starting to unbutton her dress.

"What are you doing?" John asked worriedly. He placed his hands over hers to pause her. "This isn't right."

"I need to have control again," Anna cried. She pushed her dress over her shoulders and allowed it to fall on the ground, leaving her in only her slip. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her entire body was shaking.

"Anna, Anna," John begged. "Stop. You are not ready. Please, stop." He grabbed her hands and forced her to look at him. "I want to be with you, Anna. Just not like this. You can't let him make you feel like this." His attempts to bring sense into her didn't work. She pushed his hands away and sat on his lap. She grabbed his cheeks and pushed her mouth onto his.

"Please John, please," she begged. Her body was covered in goosebumps. John ran his hands down her arms to warm her up. She feverishly kissed him again. John took her hands off his cheeks and pushed her back.

"Stop, Anna," John said forcefully. "That's enough." Anna sat back like an admonished child. She slipped back away from John's lap and pulled a blanket off of the couch, wrapping it tightly around her body.

"Anna, I'm sorry," John apologized for reprimanding her. "I just don't want you to do anything rash that you'll regret."

"It's okay," she replied, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "I'm spoiled for you. _Ruined_."

"Never," John replied feverishly. "Anna, never." He gently caressed her cheeks with his hands and pulled her into a deep kiss. "I love you."

"Truly?" Anna asked, as he slowly pulled away.

"Truly," he promised. "But I won't let you rush into something you are not ready for. I will not let Green do this to you. You and I, we will be together again. But it'll be when you are ready. That could be tomorrow, a week from now, years….It doesn't matter when it happens."

"I'm so sorry," Anna cried into her hands. "I am so lost. So confused. So tired. Seeing him today it…"

"Shh," John soothed, bringing her into his arms. "Let's go to bed. You've had a long, tough day."

To be continued...


	8. Chapter 8

_Thank you so much to all that have reviewed! Just three more installments after this one. I have really enjoyed writing it. I hope you continue to enjoy. _

**Chapter 8**

"I haven't felt the baby move," Anna stated, drawing John from thoughts while making breakfast. His eyes met Anna's.

"Isn't it still too early?"

"No," Anna swallowed hard. "In the book I was reading, I should be feeling something by now. I'm over halfway. What if there is something wrong?" John put down his cooking utensil and walked over toward Anna. He gently placed his hands on the swell of her belly.

"You're growing. I'm sure the little one is fine," John gave her a wink. Ever since running into Mr. Green, John found that Anna would wind herself up about every little thing. Her anxiousness was almost at a tipping point. He tried extremely hard to put a worry to all of her fears, but he knew she was a ball of nerves. To be honest, John was too. While he didn't think Green was going to come back, he hated the toil it had put on his wife. He felt as though as long as Green was alive, Anna would always fear he would return. Now with there being a baby, that fear was even greater.

"You'll be at the appointment today?" Anna asked anxiously. She began chewing on the corner of her lip.

"Absolutely," John promised. "Come on now. Let's walk together."

"It's just, the appointment is at 10. You can't forget. I know you'll be busy…"

John paused right outside of their door. He gave Anna's hand a gentle squeeze.

"I won't forget."

The two of them then continued on their way to work. John could feel Anna's tense frame next to her. He watched as her eyes darted all around the fields. She was braced in case of an attack. John knew that Anna needed to feel safe and he hated that he didn't know how to give that to her. A large part of him still wanted to find him and kill him. However, he had to be rational about that. He would most definitely go to jail and possibly hang if he did. Now he had a wife and child to care for. They came first. Anna would not be better off with him in jail. It was a daily conversation he had to have with himself, especially when he saw his wife breaking at the seams because of that vile man.

At one point, John had tried to convince Anna to go to the police. She adamantly refused. She told him they wouldn't believe her; that it would be her word against his. She even added that they might let him have the baby if they knew it could be his. John couldn't argue against any of her points. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew she was likely correct that the police wouldn't believe her. It was the hard truth of the matter. He had heard of cases like this over and over again where the guy was found not at fault. John sighed. He needed to figure out something to help Anna. There had to be another option.

"Ten," Anna reminded him strongly, as the two of them walked into the back door.

"Yes, Mrs. Bates. I will be there."

"Don't forget," Anna said once again.

"Anna, I will be there," he stated again.

XXXXX

"Is everything alright, Mr. Bates?" Lord Grantham asked. John was brushing the lint off of his shoulders. He was deep in thought and had missed an earlier question Lord Grantham had asked him.

"Not really," John responded truthfully.

When Lord Grantham had returned from America, John and Mary had somewhat filled him in on the situation with Mr. Green and Anna. They hadn't told him about the attack downstairs. Instead, they just told him that it seemed Mr. Green had an infatuation with Anna and was following her around, making her anxious. It was important to John and Mary to keep Anna's full story contained. As much as John would have liked to confide in Lord Grantham, he knew how news traveled in Downton Abbey. The moment Lord Grantham knew, he would confide in his wife. Then she would confide in Ms. Baxter. While Ms. Baxter may keep it secret, they couldn't be sure. And if there was any chance of Thomas finding out, they knew that everyone would either know soon or he would use it against them in some way.

"Does it have to do with that Green fellow?" Lord Grantham questioned.

"Yes, my Lord. It does. Anna is feeling very anxious."

"And you?" John shook his head.

"I don't know. It's been difficult. I worry about Anna a lot. Now there's going to be a baby. Fatherhood eludes me."

"Ah, yes. Fatherhood is rather scary in itself and now with all you both are dealing with…" Lord Grantham paused. "Just let me know if you need anything, John. We will help how we can."

"Thank you, your lordship."

XXXXX

Anna sat in the room Mrs. Hughes had set aside for her appointment. She was nervously ringing her hands together staring at the clock on the wall. She nearly jumped when the door opened to reveal John.

"I thought you had forgotten," Anna said. John gave her a small smile and looked up at the clock.

"I'm ten minutes early," he told her. Anna bit her lower lip.

"I'm scared. What if there's something wrong?"

John walked into the room and sat down next to her. He placed his hands on her growing stomach and kissed her cheek.

"Everything is going to be fine," he reassured her.

There was a knock on the door. Dr. Clarkson was there early. John let him in.

"Go on and lie down," Dr. Clarkson told Anna. "Then please lift up your dress so we can look at that abdomen of yours." Anna did as she was told. She tried to push back any fears of the doctor seeing any more of her than she wanted. He was a doctor. He wouldn't hurt her.

"So how have you been feeling? Any more nausea? Have you been eating well? Sleeping well?"

"No more nausea. That passed a few weeks ago, thankfully. I've been doing the best I can on eating and sleeping."

"Very good. Have you felt the baby move yet?"

Anna's eyes gazed down to her belly and she shook her head. "Do you think something's wrong?" She questioned, blinking back tears.

"No," Dr. Clarkson told her with a smile. "Some babies are behind the placenta and it takes longer to feel them. Why don't you let me take a listen to ease your worries?" Dr. Clarkson put the earphones of his stethoscope to his ears and then placed the diaphragm on her abdomen. "This can take a few moments, so be patient with me."

Dr. Clarkson moved the diaphragm of the stethoscope all around the lower part of Anna's stomach. Anna watched worriedly as he kept moving it, unable to find the heartbeat. John could see the concern on his wife's face. He gave her his hand and then gave her a gentle reassuring squeeze. Right at Anna was about to cry, Dr. Clarkson smiled.

"Ah, there we go." He lifted the ear pieces off of his ears and placed them on Anna's. Anna's heart skipped a beat. The best sound she had ever heard began thumping in her ears.

"I hear it," she said with a smile covering her face. "John, I hear it!" John let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. Anna pulled the ear pieces out of her ears and shoved it toward John. "Listen!"

John took the ear pieces and placed them on his ears. The sound made him feel warm with happiness all over. A baby. His baby. Something about hearing that heartbeat made it seem that much more real.

"I'm going to continue with the examination. It shouldn't take long," Dr. Clarkson informed them.

Anna pulled John closer to her and kissed him fervently.

"I'm so happy," she told him. "So relieved."

"Me too, my darling. Me too."

XXXXX

It had been several weeks since John and Anna had seen Mr. Green. While John was becoming more convinced that he wouldn't come around again, Anna had not. She was convinced he was watching her and waiting for the baby to be born. No amount of reassurance from John made her feel any better. Anna didn't know if she was being irrational or not. She had a hard time understanding her emotions. Before seeing Mr. Green again, Anna had started to heal some. Seeing him again, put a new wave of fear within her. She didn't know how to get past it. He would always be there in the shadows.

The happiness that had come from listening to her baby's heartbeat had faded once fear retook over her body. She wasn't sure how to be happy again. Anna felt the fog wrapping around her again. It was getting harder and harder to escape, even with John as her anchor.

"Anna?" John asked from the doorway. Anna looked up from the book that was in her lap. "What's on your mind?"

Anna gave him a weak smile. She felt so guilty for putting him through all of this.

"Nothing," Anna lied. John saw right through her.

"Anna, it's been weeks. I honestly think he just saw you through the window at the store and wanted to frighten you. He's a vile man who likes to frighten women. He doesn't want anything to do with you and the baby."

"You can't know that for sure," Anna replied.

"No, I can't." John agreed. The past weeks had been so hard. He had thought hearing the heartbeat would make things better, but that relief was short lived. Anna crawled back quickly into her anxious shell.

"Let's get to bed."

John and Anna were sleeping somewhat peacefully when a tree branch scrapped across the roof. Anna awoke with a start. Her body was shaking and tears were streaming down her cheeks. She turned to look toward her husband who was sleeping peacefully. Anna breathed deeply to calm her nerves. It was just a nightmare; it was all a nightmare. Ever since seeing Green again weeks ago, Anna woke most nights with nightmares. Nighttime was no longer her safe space. The fear of Green returning terrified her.

Quietly, Anna climbed out of the bed. She grabbed her night coat and slipped it over her frail shoulders. Her hands landed on her growing belly and gave it gentle rub. The baby kicked in response.

"I feel you, little one," she whispered to her stomach, before slipping out of the room and into the kitchen.

Anna began making a pot of tea. Her stomach was a little sour and she wasn't sure if it was from sickness or from being unable to sleep. She watched the pot steadily, making sure to grab it just before it whistled. The last thing she wanted to do was startle John awake. At least one of them should sleep.

She walked over to take a seat in their large chair and pulled her knees up to her chest. After taking a few sips of tea, she felt tiredness take over her body. Anna sat down the cup on a table next to her and rested her head into her knees. Within a few moments, she was back asleep.

The sun began to rise. The light from the sun landed on Anna's face, waking her up. Her neck felt stiff from falling asleep in the position she had. She stretched her neck while she reached her hands up into the air. Once again, the baby kicked her. Anna's stomach growled.

"I'll make us some food," she told her stomach. She stood up quietly. She wanted to let John sleep in as long as he needed. He was always taking care of her and she knew it took a toll on him.

It was then Anna saw a shadow out of the corner of her eye. She froze. The shadow had come from outside and through the window. Anna took a deep breath. She was probably imagining things. Or perhaps it was a neighbor, someone walking by innocently.

A knock came at the door.

"John," Anna cried. Who was at their house? What were they doing at her house at this time of day? Anna was convinced it was Green. He had come back for her, for the baby. "John!"

"Anna?" John questioned, sleepy eyed, as he peeked out through the door. "What…?"

Another knock. Then a voice. "Mr. Bates? Anna?" It was Lady Mary. Both John and Anna looked at each other puzzled. What was her Ladyship doing here?

"Just a minute, m'lady," Anna called back. John rushed back into their room to cover up in a robe. Then they walked to the door together to let Mary inside their home.

"I'm sorry to bother you both this early. It's just that I've had some news that I wanted to share with you both right away."

"Would you like to sit down and have some tea?" John asked. Mary shook her head.

"That won't be necessary. Lord Gillingham called this morning," Mary paused. "Mr. Green is dead."

_To be continued..._


	9. Chapter 9

_Thanks again! This chapter is borderline M. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 9**

A feeling that Anna could not easily describe rushed over her body. She stumbled back a few steps and peered at Mary questioningly.

"How? What happened?"

"I don't know," Mary said flippantly. "Mr. Gillingham had fired him, because I had asked him too. I didn't tell him what had happened," Mary added when she saw the fear on Anna's face. "Last night he was called to identify the body. Whatever happened, it was ruled an accident."

"So that's it," Anna said breathlessly. She felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off of her small frame. "I feel bad feeling grateful that someone has died," Anna said with a shake of her head, "But I am."

"I wouldn't feel too bad about it," Mary told her. "I surely don't."

"Me either," John agreed. John placed his hands on Anna's shoulders and gave them a tight, loving squeeze.

"We should make you some tea or something to eat, Lady Mary," Anna quickly said. Suddenly, she felt odd being in her night clothes with her Ladyship in her house. What would Mr. Carson say if he found out?

"Nonsense," Mary told the two of them. "I have to head back to the house. Papa and I have some matters with Downton to discuss. We won't be needing the two of you until this afternoon, so enjoy a quiet morning." With that, Mary was off.

John's hands were still on Anna's shoulders and he gave them a gentle rub. He was shocked when a sob broke out of Anna's lips. He turned her towards him and saw she had tears pouring down her cheeks.

"Darling, what's wrong?" He searched her face for pain or sadness. Anna just sobbed again and shook her head.

"Nothing," she broke through the sobs. "I'm just so incredibly relieved." John happily sighed.

"Me too."

The two of them embraced. Anna breathed him in and tightened her grasp. She was safe. The baby was safe. John was safe. They were all safe. Green couldn't hurt her ever again. The fog that had been trying to strangle her again, had floated away. Everything seemed clearer now. She couldn't believe how quickly hope for the future had returned.

As the two of them enjoyed the comfort of each other's arms, Anna's stomach let out a loud growl. They both began to laugh heartily. John gently pulled away and placed his hands lovingly on Anna's stomach.

"Now what would you like to eat?" He asked the large swell.

"Something sweet," Anna said with a bright smile.

"Since we have the morning off, how about I make you something small to tide you over. Then we can go into town and go somewhere to eat."

"That sounds wonderful, Mr. Bates," Anna replied. She embraced him once again. "I don't ever want to forget this moment."

"I don't want to either."

XXXXX

Weeks passed by. Anna's stomach was growing more and more with each passing day. With only ten weeks left, Anna questioned how much more her skin could stretch for the baby. She stood in front of the mirror admiring the bump. Her hands ran around the curve of her belly and she smiled. She couldn't believe how at peace she was with having a baby now. Once she had threatened to kill herself if she had been with child after the attack and now she loved the child growing inside of her. Anna couldn't quite pinpoint when that had changed.

Anna no longer feared who the father of the baby was, because John was her father. Biology had nothing to do with being a parent, either way. It was the parent who raised the child. She did worry sometimes that John still feared it might not be his, but that he wouldn't talk to her about it. She prayed that John was at peace with it. She wanted them to remain in this content place where they had finally landed. That wasn't to say that Anna still didn't have bad days or bad moments. They were just much fewer and farther between. Anan wasn't sure that she would ever completely heal from the attack, but she did have hope that they could be happy now.

The creak of the door tore Anna out of her thoughts.

"Oh, Anna. I'm sorry," John said, starting to close the door.

"No, it's okay," Anna called. "Please come in."

"Anna."

"It's okay," She said confidently. John slowly walked into the room. Anna only had on her undergarments. It had been a long while since he had seen her this undressed, the exception being the day she had shown him the swell of her belly for the first time.

John's throat hitched in his throat at how beautiful his wife was.

"You're radiant." Anna giggled at his complement.

"I don't know about that, Mr. Bates. I feel as though I'm going to burst. I'm not sure my skin can stretch any further." Her smile was contagious. John walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, resting his hands on top of her stomach.

"You're beautiful," he whispered in her ear.

Goosebumps covered Anna's skin at the way her husband spoke to her. For the first time in ages, she felt a familiar twinge below begging her for release. In some ways it frightened her, but others it felt wonderful. Anna tensed, not sure if she was ready to handle this fresh twinge that had been gone for so long. She awkwardly pulled away from John and grabbed her dress off the rack.

"Is everything okay?" Anna could hear the concern in her husband's voice so she gave him a soft smile.

"Yes, I just have to quickly get ready. Lady Mary needs me earlier this morning."

XXXX

"Is everything alright, Anna?" Lady Mary's voice pulled Anna from her thoughts. Anna met Mary's eyes through the mirror, while she paused curling her hair.

"Yes, m'lady. Sorry, just stuck in my thoughts this evening."

Mary's eyes narrowed. "Anna?" She asked again. Anna could hear the _there are no more secrets between us_ in the way she said her name. Anna sighed.

"It's really nothing. I'm happy. We're happy. Truly."

"But…" Mary pushed for more.

"It's not really appropriate, m'lady. I wouldn't even know how to speak about it. Just know, it's not a big deal."

"Very well then." Anna was glad that Mary had dropped it. She finished up her hair and helped to put on her shoes. Once Mary was dressed, Anna excused herself and walked away flustered. She didn't know what was wrong with her, but that twinge she had felt last week with John wouldn't go away. It showed up at the oddest of times. Sometimes it came from the touch of her husband or the way he would smile at her. However, it also showed up when nothing seemed to spur it on. It grew stronger and stronger each time and now it seemed to not to want to go away. Her body was begging for release. But she wasn't sure that she was ready for it. At times, the frustration of it all made her want to cry. She felt incredibly foolish when she knew she could make it all go away easily. John would love to be intimate with her again, but she was still scared. It was the one hurtle she couldn't seem to pass.

Anna waited downstairs for John.

"Sorry I took so long, love. Lord Grantham was rather chatty tonight."

"It's no problem. Do you have to go back up to undress him?" John shook his head. "He's going out with Anna and the family as well. They won't be back until late. Do you want to eat here or at home?"

With the frustration boiling below her belly, Anna had zero desire to stay at work. "Let's go home."

On the walk home, Anna was uncharacteristically quiet. John eyed her worriedly, but didn't say a thing. He was probably reading her wrong. She had been in much higher spirits these weeks now that Mr. Green was no longer a threat to her. He had noticed her tense around him a few times. He had tried not to read too much into it. John knew she still had demons to deal with. The death of Green would not fix everything.

"What shall we make for dinner tonight?" John questioned into the night air.

"I'm not actually sure what we have," Anna replied.

"No matter, I'll just enjoy my time with you." John rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. Anna felt like she would burst from the frustration of no release. Her cheeks flushed.

"Anna? Will you tell me what's wrong?" John asked as they entered their house. It was then he noticed her flushed cheeks. He placed the back of his hand on her cheek. "Are you sick?"

Anna nervously laughed, "No. It's…" she paused. "I feel rather foolish."

"About what Anna?"

"I…Lately I have felt this desire bubble within me, but I'm not sure that I am ready to do anything about it. Yet, I feel so frustrated. I need the release," Anna hid her face in her hands, embarrassed. "See, foolish. Speaking to you like this must seem…"

"Anna, we're married. It's not foolish at all. Do you feel frustrated right now?"

"Unbelievably so."

"Would you let me help you?" He questioned, pulling her hands from her face. She looked at him frightened.

"I don't know if I'm ready."

"We wouldn't have to be together. Not that way. But only if you wanted it," John told her. It was then Anna knew what he was offering her. She nodded.

"I do."

John gently pushed her against the wall and caressed her cheek, before pulling her into an intimate kiss. He paused and turned her chin toward him. "If at any moment you need me to stop…"

"Please don't stop," Anna begged. John kissed her again. His hand slipped up below her dress and found the area begging for release. He knew her body and so it wasn't long before Anna's breaths were fast and her heart was racing, as she bucked into his hands at the release. John smiled. He was pleased he could do that for her.

"I'm ready," Anna told him a moment later, when the spasms had passed.

"What, my love?"

"I'm ready," She repeated. Something about that moment where he had selflessly taken care of her needs, once again, made her ready to give everything to him. "John, you have been so patient and wonderful to me. I want to be with you, completely."

"Are you sure? Anna, I don't want to rush you."

"You aren't. I am ready," she told him confidently.

"If at any moment…"

"I know," she said, shaking her head. "But please, I need to be with you now, _completely_."

John led her to their room and shut the door.

_To be continued..._


	10. Chapter 10

_Thank you to all who have read, reviewed, followed, etc. _

**Chapter 10**

Warmth and happiness spread all throughout John's body as he awoke. In the past several weeks, he and his wife's return to intimacy had turned his world upright again. They still had to take things slow, but just being able to connect with his wife on that level made his heart burst with joy. There had been a time when he thought things wouldn't get better, but they had. Now he had his wife back.

John rolled onto his back, as the sun shined brightly into the room. His hand reached over to greet his wife. He was surprised to find her side of the bed empty. John sat up and grabbed his overcoat. His knee was slightly stiff. With a quick rub, John pushed himself out of the bed and grabbed his cane.

When he made it to the kitchen, John saw Anna pacing back and forth. Her breaths appeared uneven and shallow. His eyes narrowed in concern.

"Anna?" Anna jumped at his voice, before turning toward him. It was then that John saw the tears streaming down her face. He rushed over to her and gently pulled her face into his hands. "What's wrong?" John asked, searching her face.

"What if I've been wrong? What if I can't do this? Can't love her?" Anna cried. She inhaled sharply and grabbed a hold on John's upper arm, squeezing it. "It's coming. The baby, John, is coming."

"Shh…" John soothed. "You _can_ do this. You're just a little hesitant, is all. I'm sure all new parents are a little scared as they start to welcome their new little one. I know I am, a little bit."

"Yeah?"

"I am," he repeated. "But once the baby is here, I bet you'll feel differently. Now, would you like to go lie down?" Anna shook her head. She wrapped her arms around John and held him close.

"Should I ring for the doctor?" John asked into her hair. Anna pushed back and gave him a nod.

"Probably. I know they say first babies take a while, but I feel she's going to come quickly."

John pulled her close for a kiss, before heading to the neighbors to use their telephone. He rang for the doctor and then called Mr. Carson to let him know the two of them would not be in that day.

When he made it back to the cottage, Anna was crouched by a chair breathing in deeply. He walked over to her and rubbed her back. Anna smiled up at him.

A little while later, a knock came at the door. Anna was still pacing, stopping every now and then when a contraction it her. Both Anna and John were surprised to see both Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes standing at the front door.

"I had Mrs. Patmore pack some food for you both," Mrs. Hughes stated. Anna gave her a thankful smile, before a scream left her lips. A sharper pain than the others had just ripped through her back and stomach. She immediately felt sheepish, acting like that in front of Lady Mary.

"I'm sorry…"

"No need to apologize," Lady Mary told her. "You scream all you need to. I know I certainly did. Now, let's pull that hair out of your face." Mary made her way over to Anna and pulled her hair into a plait behind her back. "There. Trust me, you will appreciate it not being in the way."

Anna thanked her. She bit her lower lip when another contraction came suddenly after that one.

"Oh my, another already?" Mary asked. "This baby is coming quickly. We should probably get her in bed."

Both Mrs. Hughes and John were a bit surprised by Mary's initiative in the situation. However, she was the only one in the cottage that had been through childbirth, so they took her lead on what to do.

"Eat some food, you'll need your strength. However, you also may feel the need to retch as the contractions get stronger," Mary informed Anna, as she got her all situated into the bed.

"You shouldn't be doing all of this," Anna said. "It isn't right. You are…"

"Nonsense," Mary said flippantly. "Mrs. Hughes, can you make Anna some tea? And Mr. Bates, you should probably stay by Anna and hold her hand through the contractions. I will go and see what is taking the doctor so long."

XXXXX

"Lady Mary is correct," Dr. Clarkson said, once he arrived shortly after Mary had gone to call her. He was doing a quick examination to see how Anna was progressing. "You will have to choose who will stay in the room with you soon."

The room was quite crowded with all five of them in there. Mrs. Hughes often left to find something to keep her hands busy. She probably should have been back at Downton, as she was likely more needed there. However, she wanted to be here with Anna. After all Anna had been through and she had been through with her, Mrs. Hughes wanted to be nearby for the birth of the baby.

"I want John," Anna breathed. Dr. Clarkson looked up, perplexed.

"It's not really customary for the man to stay in the room. Perhaps Mrs. Hughes?"

"No, I want John," Anna cried.

"Yes," Lady Mary intervened. "She should have her husband. I know I would have loved to have Matthew with me when I had George."

Dr. Clarkson wasn't too fond of the idea, but he knew he couldn't argue with Lady Mary. He then sent them out and instructed John on how to best help his wife.

"Alright, then, Anna. It is time to push."

Pushing seemed to take forever. At least, that's what John thought, as he watched his wife in pain with each push. He wished he could take her pain away. She wasn't complaining, though. She was stoic through it all, barely any more than a whimper.

"The head is out," Dr. Clarkson told them with a smile. "Just one more push."

"Did you hear that, my darling? Almost there," John whispered, before kissing the side of her sweaty temple. The hair that had fallen out of her plait was stuck to her face.

"It's a girl!" The doctor cried out. Soon after the sweetest baby cried erupted through the room.

"I told you, Mr. Bates. I told you it was a girl," Anna said breathlessly. John's smile lit up the room. He pulled Anna into his chest and kissed the mop of her hair on the top of her head.

"You did," he agreed. "A baby girl." He kissed her head once more. "You did so well, Anna. You were so strong."

Soon after, Dr. Clarkson set the squirming bundle into Anna's arms. Immediately the baby calmed in her mother's arms. The small bundle knew exactly where she belonged.

"Oh look, Anna," John said in awe. "She looks just like you." And the baby did. She was a petite little thing with long fingers and toes. She had downy blonde hair and the bluest of eyes.

"That can change," Anna told him, but she saw it too. A miniature version of herself. Her finger caressed the curve of the little girl's cheek. She was absolutely beautiful. All fear of not being able to love her had gone. Anna's heart was about to burst with how much she loved her. John felt the same. He hadn't known how much he could love, either.

Once Dr. Clarkson had finished up, he took the baby to weigh her and give her a further examination. Soon she and Anna had a clean bill of health and Dr. Clarkson was on his way to his next call.

"Knock, knock," Mary called from the door. "Up for some visitors?" Anna smiled at Lady Mary.

Mary and Mrs. Hughes walked in to take a peek at the small babe. The baby let out a soft gurgle, making them each let out a small chuckle. Anna handed the baby over first to Mrs. Hughes, who had a smile brighter than Anna had ever seen before on her face.

"She's absolutely darling," Mrs. Hughes sighed. "Stunning."

"Does she have a name?" Mary asked, as she peered down on the little girl. Mary gently grabbed the little girl's hand and rubbed the tops of her fingers.

"Madeline," Anna answered.

"Madeline," Mary repeated to the girl. "Beautiful name for a beautiful girl," Mary said earnestly. Then Mary turned her attention to John and Anna. "Thank you for letting me be a part of this day. But now, I must be off. Mrs. Hughes, you may stay as long as you or they wish you to."

After Lady Mary left the cottage, Mrs. Hughes went into the kitchen to make Anna some food. She pulled Anna's favorite foods out of the basket and began to prepare them. Her smile had still not faded from her face. She was so happy to see her girl finally so incredibly happy.

XXXX

"You should rest," John told Anna, as Anna handed Madeline over to him. Anna nodded. She was absolutely exhausted. All of her adrenaline had worn off and now all she felt was sore and extremely tired. Her eyes fluttered closed within a mere moment of handing the baby over and soon soft snores were escaping her lips.

John held Madeline close to his chest. The little girl's eyes peered up to him knowingly. Just as she had known her mother, the girl knew who her father was. John had heard that it took longer for fathers to connect with their children than mothers, but he already felt completely connected with her. He stepped out of the bedroom to let Anna sleep and went to Mrs. Hughes in the kitchen.

"She's sleeping."

"Good," Mrs. Hughes said. "She needs it."

"Thank you," John told her sincerely. "For everything. Anna and I decided to give Madeline the middle name of Elsie."

Mrs. Hughes appeared shocked, "After me?" John laughed.

"Yes, after you. You have been such a strength for Anna. For me, too."

"Well, I am honored," Mrs. Hughes replied sincerely.

"You can go now, if you wish. I think I can handle it from here," John told her. "We appreciate you staying here and helping to day."

"Ring if you need me," Mrs. Hughes said strongly. She peered down at the baby's sweet face one more time, before leaving.

Now that John was alone with his daughter, he felt so at ease. He was sure uncertainty and fear would come at times. Parenthood wasn't known for being easy. But right now, with sweet Madeline in his arms, he felt at peace. The baby gurgled before turning her head into his chest and falling asleep.

"Shh, shh, little one," he murmured, taking a seat in a rocker he had bought not too long ago. "I'm here, love. Papa isn't going anywhere."

_To be continued...one last time. _


	11. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_Two Years Later_

Anna fussed with the final things she needed to get together for Madeline's little birthday celebration, while the new two year old was taking her afternoon nap. _Two year old_. Anna's heart nearly melted; she had a two year old. The little girl was the center of their world. Life had changed so much since Madeline was born. She and John had only grown closer. Madeline was a joy. She had not been an easy baby. She had had colic and hated to sleep at night. But through their weariness, Anna and John were still so happy to have her. Around when she turned one, things finally switched. Little Madeline started to sleep better and seemed all around much happier.

Since Madeline had been such a tough baby, Anna had to change her work schedule. Lady Mary had been very accommodating. Still wanting Anna as her Lady's Maid, they figured out a way for her to do both. Anna would prepare Mary for her day, but Mary would handle undressing for the evenings. Anna would only come in the evenings if it was for a special occasion. Anna appreciated still being able to work some, but also able to have the time to devote to her little one. Her hands came down to rest on her new growing belly and she reminded herself, soon her two little ones. A smile spread over her face. Soon there would be two little Bates running around the house.

Anna pulled out the dress Mrs. Baxter had helped Anna make for Madeline's birthday. It was a beautiful yellow dress with lace around the edges. Yellow really was Madeline's color. It made her blue eyes sparkle.

Peeking into Madeline's cot, she saw the little girl was stirring. Blue eyes peered up and smiled.

"Hi, Mama," the little girl said, standing up and reaching her hands up to be held. Anna pulled the little girl into her arms and kissed the top of her head. Madeline rested her head into her mother's shoulder and Anna thought about how it was the best feeling in the world.

"Want to go see Papa?" The little girl's head shot up.

"Papa!"

John had said he would take today off, but Anna insisted he could work in the morning. The celebration wasn't until the later afternoon anyway. They were going to have it out in the gardens. Most of the downstairs staff were coming, along with Lady Mary, Tom, Edith, Sybbie, Marigold, and George. In the mornings Anna worked, Madeline would stay in the nursery with them. The four of them loved playing together.

"See Papa!" Madeline said, pointing to the door. "Go!" Anna giggled.

"We have to get you dressed for the party first."

XXXXXX

When they arrived into the Servant's Hall, Anna saw the ornate cake Mrs. Patmore and Daisy had made for Madeline. It was two tiers and covered in beautiful yellow flowers.

"It's beautiful. But isn't it a bit much for a two year old's birthday party?" Anna asked in awe.

"Not for my Madeline," Mrs. Patmore said lovingly, as Madeline reached for Mrs. Patmore. For some reason, outside of her parents, Mrs. Patmore and Daisy were her favorite people. John said it was because the two of them spoiled her with treats, but Anna disagreed. Madeline had always been drawn to them even before she could eat real food.

"Cake! Cake!" Madeline cried, pointing to the cake.

"Oh don't you worry, love. Daisy made you a cupcake to tie you over before we cut the cake." Mrs. Patmore grabbed a cupcake from the table and handed it to Madeline. Anna rolled her eyes. Generally she would have said no to a cupcake before the party, but it was her birthday.

"You spoil her so," Anna just teased. Mrs. Patmore didn't respond, but instead, helped Madeline take a bite of the cupcake.

"Madeline," a voice rang from the doorway.

"Papa! Papa!" The girl took one more bite of cupcake and then wiggled out of Mrs. Patmore's arms. She ran toward John and reached her hands up toward him. While Madeline loved many people, especially her Mama, her Papa was her favorite person. No matter what, her Papa made her happy.

John sat his cane down next to him and picked her up. Then he readjusted himself so that he could carry her and walk. The little girl grabbed his cheeks and kissed his nose.

"Cake!" She told him, pointing to the cake on the table. John just smiled. Her nose was covered in icing from the cupcake she had been eating a moment before.

"Looks like you have already enjoyed some," John told his daughter.

"Yes, Mrs. Patmore spoils her," Anna joked. Mrs. Patmore shrugged her shoulders. Madeline was like a granddaughter to her.

"It's my job," was her response, before heading off to find Daisy.

Anna, John, and Madeline started walking down the hallway when they ran into Mrs. Hughes- well technically Mrs. Carson now. She smiled when she saw Madeline.

"Happy birthday, love," Mrs. Hughes said to the small girl.

"Godmama, look!" Madeline cried happily, showing Mrs. Hughes the cupcake in her hands. Soon after Madeline was born, they had asked her to be Madeline's godmother. Mrs. Hughes gladly accepted. She shared great love for the child and would often watch her when John and Anna needed some time alone.

"Oh, some sweets for my sweetie," Mrs. Hughes replied to her goddaughter. Madeline beamed, before taking another bite of the cupcake. Mrs. Hughes then turned her attention to Anna and John. "I cannot believe she is two already. It feels like yesterday she was just born. And now another," she beamed, looking at the swell of Anna's belly.

"We can't either."

"Well the two of you deserve all the happiness in the world. What do you hope this one will be?"

"It's a boy," Anna said determinedly.

"If Anna says it, it must be true," John agreed. "She insisted the entire pregnancy with Madeline that she was a girl. So it appears we will have a boy next."

"Well either way, we're thrilled for you."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes. Truly."

XXXXXX  
The party was more extravagant that Anna could have ever imagined. Apparently, Lady Mary had asked for extra things to be included like balloons and a puppet show. For Madeline's first birthday they had just had a small celebration at home, so Anna hadn't known exactly what to expect when Lady Mary asked if she could take over most of the planning.

"This is too much," Anna told Mary, when Mary showed up.

"Hardly," Lady Mary responded. "We all love Madeline."

Despite her reservations about the big party, Anna was grateful. Her daughter was loved by everyone. What more could Anna want as a mother for her daughter? Madeline had even been the bridge in the relationship between the Bates and Thomas. He had always had a soft spot for children and Madeline's personality was one hard to ignore. With Thomas always being kind and playful with Madeline, they had found a way to all get along.

"Thank you," Anna told Mary sincerely. "It really means a lot."

The party ran for several hours. Mrs. Patmore and Daisy had planned plenty of food. The children ran around and all helped Madeline open her presents. There was singing and dancing and, of course, cake. It was an absolutely fun affair.

XXXXX

While the three of them walked home that evening, Madeline fell asleep in her father's arms halfway home.  
"I think we tuckered her out, Mr. Bates," Anna said with a smile. "Quite a party for a two year old."

"Yes, it was," John agreed.

When they got to the cottage, Anna took Madeline to put her to bed. She walked into their kitchen to see John sitting down and staring at a portrait they had had done of Madeline.

"We're rather lucky," He said.

"We are," Anna replied, walking over to him and sitting in his lap. She pressed a kiss on his lips and then pulled away. "I love you."

He smiled, "I love you, too. It's been a long day. Let's go to bed."

**_The End _**

_Thank you to all who read. I know the ending is a bit sappy, but I feel the two deserved a happy ending after all they went through. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks again! _


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